patches

I shouldn't stay. But I can't get myself to go. It's not fair to either of us that we continue on how we are. For the past few months I have been constantly weighing the pros and cons of our relationship while doing daily tasks such as laundry, and baking cupcakes. Waiting for some kind of sign pointing to the right decision. I guess I have been thinking that whatever sign it is that comes to me, will be easy. Or at least it will be easier than the latter. Im not sure if it's connected, but I can't sleep, my stomach is killing me, and I have had horrible anxiety. Tonight, as I was making cupcakes at midnight, I realized something. Nobody should have this many doubts in their relationship. Nobody should be thinking THIS much negativity. I know there are ups and downs in every pair of people, but this is different.

There used to be a time where I always talked highly of him. I bragged about him (I know..rude of me,) every chance I could I would bring his name up in conversations, and I smiled when I received texts or phone calls from him. Now I badmouth him even though I know I shouldn't. I compare things to him all the time still, and he's never the winning party. I was IN love.
I'm not sure that I am anymore. Now I can't even stand the sound of him getting something to eat in the kitchen. I can hear him chewing from the other room. I want to yell at him. I don't like the person that I have become because of him.

With the whole pregnancy scare, I of course didn't have to ask how he would feel if I had been pregnant. I already know. He never hesitated to let me know how fucked up his life would be and how 'big' his problems are when I was pregnant with Hayden. I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt though. He never has talked like that SINCE he was born. Just during the pregnancy. He said something today that I felt was true. I told him if I was pregnant again, even though it had taken both of us to get in that position. He could leave me if he wanted. He thought about it for a bit and then said that the only way he WOULDNT leave me is if I had a girl. After going off on him, he said 'you're so gullible.' I know he wasn't lying. I could feel it.

I want it to work. I wish this was just a 'rough patch.' I don't think it is though.