Once again, last night sucked.
I made him sleep on the couch, but he came back in the room a little while later and was all sexual, and I was ASLEEP. HELLO??!! Why the hell would I want to be sexual with him at all, after the conversation we had just had before bed. I'm disgusted. I love him, but all this wedding planning, that was once exciting to me, is now FREAKING me out big time. How could I marry someone who I get a long with maybe one whole hour of the day? Someone that doesn't share the same dreams with me? Someone who wants to wait 5 or more years to have another baby, when that's what makes me happy is having kids? Someone who doesn't see eye to eye with me on raising our son? Someone who get's 'bored' and has to smoke weed a lot? Someone who doesn't care about their health, when I care about them so much?

I feel like I'm constantly growing and changing for the better because that's what's supposed to happen when you are older. But he get's mad at me, and tells me I've changed. Well at least I'm learning and changing for the better. Unlike him. He just get's more negative and sarcastic as he grows. I feel like i'm stuck because I love him, but things are not going well for us. And if things change, it's only for one day, and then it's back to the same thing. I'm working on things, and he forgets and goes back to how he normally is. Almost everything that comes out of his mouth is negative, and rude. I'm so frustrated. He's holding me back from growing as a person, and he won't let us grow together as a couple. I want to make it work, but I think we need counseling. The problem is the expense. We won't have health insurance until the first week in July, and then even then, it doesn't cover that. So we would be paying around $100 out of pocket for each session.
I know nobody is perfect, but I picture myself raising kids with someone fun. Who would do outdoors stuff with me and the kids, who likes to spend time with their family, who wouldn't mind going on and not spending any money like to the beach or a park, and make our own fun. Someone I can share my feelings with, and have them actually acknowledge them. And someone who isn't held down by their parents.
I know I have anxiety, I'm hypersensitive if I'm not feeling well, I can be annoying, and sometimes mentally high maintenance, but I deserve better. I deserve someone who is emotionally there for me. Not just physically.

I'm just worried that if we weren't together, where would I go? My mom won't let me move back home, I need to be comfortable, and have Hayden safe.