hmm

A friend had this on her facebook. I really liked it and believ it's true.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong.

And you really do have worth.

--Veronica A Shaffstall

A FEW SIPS

Im at my mom's right now watching Caelin while her and keith go to a business 'rally.' I can wait, but it will be exciting when Hayden is her age. She's hilarious. A crow just made a noise outside and she said 'I kinda wanna throw this table at that big ol' birdie outside.' Bahaha. Two year olds are great. It would be nice however, if she was potty trained. They are kind of working on it right now, and she keeps taking off her pull up every time she pees. I keep trying to tell her that she needs to leave it on and if she doesn't want to sit in pee, she needs to go pee pee in the toilet. So far, no go. I just put Hayden down for a nap in her crib. I need to not forget the other piece of the baby monitor that I left here. Ours at home broke.
I had a bad anxiety night last night. Andrew and I decided to go out to a town about 20 minutes away for dinner. We got there and I know it was saturday night but it was ridiculous. You can tell we don't have any good restaurants close by because it was packed. They sat us smack dab in the middle of a bunch of full tables and it was really LOUD. Normally, I don't mind noise but I hate when they sit you at a table in the middle of tables that are so close to the back of your chair, that every time someone get's up you have to move. So I ordered an alcoholic drink to calm my nerves a little, and not have to ruin the evening by a full blown panic attack. After a few sips, I ordered my food, and then felt it hit me like a ton of bricks. I could barely hold my head up and I felt like I wanted to throw up. Seeing that throwing up is my phobia, I immediately clammed up and panicked and told andrew he would need to finish it, and get my dinner to go. I ended up breathing with my head between my legs in the car and Andrew and the baby eating by themselves inside. It sucked. We ended up not making a stop at our friends house like originally planned, and we drove home and I talked about my anxiety and exactly how it makes me feel and how I feel bad about it ruining his good time almost every time we go out. I don't want to be a hermit and stay in the house all the time, so I venture out and end up having to leave early all the time. So I can never carpool with someone, or have anyone rely on me for a ride because they get mad at me for leaving somewhere early. I should really go back on my medication. I just didn't like the way it made me feel tired and like a zombie. I guess I would rather be able to go places.
Nothing can be absolutely perfect. There are always cons to something.

She's my toughest critic

I never know where to start when I'm writing something. Do I make it sound dramatic? Or do I just start rambling? I'm the strangest person I know. I started blogging as a small escape for myself. I got addicted and now it's a release. I also need something to look back on. As my memory gets worse and worse for no explainable reason,
I'm afraid I will wake up one day like my grandmother with dimentia. I repeat myself in conversations, I can hardly remember what I did the day before. So I find myself constantly documenting things. I'm starting to wonder if it goes hand in hand with my anxiety. When I get really nervous or stressed, my mind erases like a chalk board. People think I'm doing it on purpose and I'm not.
I'm frustrated because the envelope that had haydens social security card is gone. It was in a pile of pictures.

Spent 7 hours in the SS office today for medi-cal for the baby.

Now waiting for andrew to get home. Candles (check) tiny outfit (check) newly shaven legs (check) boyfriend???( uhh MIA)


-- Post From My iPhone

Uckedf

Today is Andrew's 21st birthday. You know what he got? Freedom. After confronting him about a letter I found on his facebook between him and this girl that he used to be in love with, he tells me that he hasn't been in love with me since february. I literally have nothing but my son now. I won't have a place to live come this week, I won't have a car, I won't have a job, I won't have education (which I gave up since he was to be supporting us once he graduated.) But everything is great for him. He get's anything he wants, he doesn't have to pay anything, and he get's to go chill with his friends.

Sick again.

Can't their be like a quick and easy digestive system transplant?

This is ridiculous. It's either acid reflux, IBS, or unexplainable nausea. I'm sick of it (literally.) I miss out on so much because of it. I don't want to be on any daily medications besides vitamins and supplements. However, I'm missing out on life because I'm afraid that of I go somewhere I'll end up having to be by a bathroom the whole time. I don't drive long distances, go out with friends unless I feel really comfortable at the place, and I can never finish taking classes. Anxiety sucks. Nervous stomachs suck. I had to take an immodium yesterday right after we left beninana just in case the 45 minute drive made me the slightest bit nervous. My intestines would knot up and I would be screwed. Sigh. Only 39 more minutes until Andrews 21st birthday. He's going right at midnight to go buy a beer. I'm excited for him. Looks like I'll be the one ordering a soda from now on when we I out to eat :)




-- Post From My iPhone

Remember when?

Andrew's mom took it better than I thought she would about the combined birthday party. I'm going to go make invitations now.
There are lots of people to invite. I'm excited to bring my family and friends together to celebrate my baby being a year old. I can't believe it. Where has the time gone. I remember everything used to be so calm and everyone acted as if we were fragile. "don't bother meghan, she's nursing the baby." Bonding time used to be so easy. Now I'm lucky if he will let me pick him up for 5 minutes. And then I feel guilty because sometimes he comes whining to me for attention and I give him gold fish crackers because I'm on the computer or cleaning or making food. In a way, I'm glad he plays so well by himself. I need to spend more time with him. I'm going to start signing to him today.

Going to go make some invitations now.

No Pants Party

I'm not feeling great today. My stomach feels like it has a brick in it. :( I also have to go to Andrew's mom's house to do some work towards the car payment. That way I don't get the car taken away. We worked out an agreement.

Oh and yesterday (or maybe it was the day before) we woke up to this:


He had taken his pants off and thrown them out of the crib. He also likes to hang from the mobile, and he broke the side of the crib too from shaking it. He's too big for his britches.

Oh dear my love!

Why don't men understand??!? Suddenly I'm an unfair bitch because I want him around. I love him so much and for some reason (which I still haven't figured out) I enjoy his company and want him around as much as I can. But he complains on twitter that he's bored, and he asks me everyday to go to his friends house. All the times I sacrificed being with my friends and turned them down because andrew was home and I would rather be with him and the baby. Why doesn't he feel the same? It's just his age I guess. I feel so dumb. No job, no career, soon to have no car. All I have is my family and they (besides my wonderful son) doesn't want to give me the time of day.

-- Blogging on the go from my iPhone

RANT RANT RANT!!

I'm unbelievably annoyed right now. I can't blame anyone else but myself for the problems I'm facing right now, but of course Andrew's mom is going to add to it. Ever since I quit my job, there is hell to pay. Neither Andrew or I have a job. I have to still come up with my share of the rent though. It's only $350 and then I pay half of the bills, but when you have no source of income coming in, it's too much. His parents pay his half plus a little more because they wanted the baby to have his own room. I'm not allowed back at my parents because my mom said I could come back one time and that's it. Of course I used that up. My life is a mess. I want to go back to school at night so I can get a quick degree (cosmotology,) and they offer monthly payments, but my mom pointed out to me that I don't even have the money to make the monthly payments. She said what she always says to me "There will be another opportunity, now is not the time." Well if I don't go back to school while I'm motivated to, I never will. I can't work a menial job for the rest of my life. I need some kind of degree. I would rather take $1500 to go back to school, then to have $1500 towards a wedding for Andrew and I. I want to get married. But right now, I have zero self esteem, and I don't know why Andrew would even want to marry me.
I'm also facing another big thing, Andrew found all these jobs in LA. So he wants to work, and go to school in LA, and live down here, an hour and a half away?! He will be exhausted, and be spending all of his time commuting and not here with his family. Sooner or later he will have to do an internship in LA (supposed to be this quarter or next) and I'm going to have to let him. We talked about it, and we were thinking that we should move to LA, forfeit our lease at the apartment here in Elsinore, (it's only 1 months rent) and rent a house there. Even in nicer areas, a 3 bedroom house is going for less than our apartment here. It's probably because of how bad the housing market is right now. I have horrible credit, so of course it would have to be rented out under his name or his parents. But they probably wouldn't go for it. I can already hear in my head what they would say. "You can't make your bills out here, what would make you think you could make them out there?" Correct. But... I also found like 5 billion jobs in my field in LA. It's more city-ish out there. More businesses that need personal assistants/secretaries/office workers. So again, I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I would have to find daycare out there and chances are, it would be more expensive. I don't have any family or friends there (It's 2 hours away.) Gaaaaaahhh.

And to make matters even greater. His parents are going to take back the car next week that I have been making payments on, because I can no longer afford it. So if I wanted to go look for a job I couldn't. And when on the phone with his mom about the subject she was just so naggy. "Once we take back the car, you are NOT to drive Andrew's because you aren't insured on his vehicle." She always has to make sure that every detail, even minor, is covered. She drives me crazy. It's not their fault though. If it was a car company and I couldn't pay, they would take back the car, so why am I mad?? Because they aren't a car company. They are family. It will just be sitting in their driveway doing nothing, while I'm struggling without a car. What if something happens to the baby? or me? or a family member and andrew is at work or school?? I'm stranded without transportation.

On a lighter note. I had already bought plate,cups, and napkins for both of Hayden's birthday parties. So that's one less thing my mom/Andrew's mom has to buy. At least I'm helping out a little.
He's having two birthday parties. His mom offered the backyard and pool for his party, and I didn't want to tell her 'no.' We had the babyshower at my moms house and her and her side of the family were in their little 'clique' and wouldn't talk to anyone other than each other the whole time. Pissed me off, and made my very outgoing family really uncomfortable. So of course when I told everyone about the party at Andrew's parents, everyone spoke the truth and said that they would need a beer or two in order to feel comfortable. Well of course Tracy is not going to let people drink at their house. Or smoke. I want people to be comfortable. It's mainly for the adults for the first birthday in celebration of getting through the first year of being a parent. Of course I'm going to have kid stuff, but #1 Hayden is too young to understand or enjoy anything besides love and attention, and #2, all his friends are the same age so it's not like I'm going to be upsetting any kids.
So there will be a party on Saturday at Tracy's house for Hayden. My mom, dad, and one friend and her baby are going to that one, and the next day, Sunday, everyone will come over again to my mom's plus many more, for a laid back bbq in my mom's backyard. Paid for by my mom of course.
I'm not going to tell Tracy about the other party, and hopefully nobody slips. I don't want to purposely hurt her feelings, it's just that every gathering I have been to with their side of the family (besides the fun Jansen side) has been rather stuffy, and my family is the complete opposite.


Well, I'm feeling quite better. Anything else comes up, I'll be back on today.

Events leading up to my unemployment :(

To whom it may concern,


I’m sure you have heard that I no longer am working for Perris Raceway. After being there for just about two years. The disorganization, and lack of management has been going on for awhile, but it peaked this weekend. What I have been told, is that Jeff, has partnered up with Rick Johnson, one of the co-owners of Perris Raceway, and started some off road company. I have noticed Jeff, hasn’t been around as much as he was when I first started working there. This leaves the track, unattended (no manager) except for the maintenance/groundskeeper Flavio, who isn’t really equipped for managing a place. It never really was a big deal to me, because it never really affected me in big way, just small things, like not having enough change, or running out of wrist bands. Not being given a
manager made’ schedule. Those things could have affected my ability to do my job, but being the good employee that I was, I was creative, and always found a way to work it out and make due with what I had. Me and another employee named Brittany, usually divided up the hours according to the times Jeff would give us for the practices/races. Every once in awhile there would be a few issues with scheduling, but nothing one of us couldn’t come in at the last minute and take care of. Now that I look back, that was them being extremely unorganized, and unprepared.
This weekend is when it got really bad. Jeff went to Texas with Rick. He left his wife Lisa in charge. I had always gotten along with Lisa really well, and was actually excited for her to be there. Friday morning, I came in for my usual 9:30-2:30 shift. Lisa had written down on a piece of paper, what the hours would be for the weekends events, and said I could divy them out between me, Brittany, and Bree (another girl that works there.) I started to do so, but then realized that the hours she had written down for Sunday (Ponca City Qualifiers) couldn’t have been right, because gates usually opened at 6am, and she had written 9am down. So she came into the booth, we looked Sundays race info up on my computer on Perrisraceway.com and changed the schedule for us girls for Sunday. Everything looked like it would go smoothly. Saturday morning, I came in at 8:30 in time for my 9 am shift. And I would be working until 12:30 according to what Lisa had told me the first shift would be. I had scheduled a babysitter for Hayden, and everything was fine. We ended up not having any change almost the whole time, I had to send Flavio out to the bank to break a $100 bill for me. Then, the people who run the Ponca City Qualifiers which would take place the next day (Sunday) came to do early sign ups. I figured, Lisa should have been there by now, but she was at home. I tried calling a few times, but it went straight to her voicemail, so when I had questions, I called Jeff and asked him. Because once again, there was nobody there to manage things. She did end up calling me a few times and asked how things were going but for some reason, whenever I tried her phone, it wasn’t working. I explained to her that things were okay, but kind of a mess, because the Ponca City people kept coming up to me and complaining about not being let in. She told me that they said they weren’t going to be there until 1pm, but the Ponca City people told me that they told Lisa they would be there at 11am. I figured Lisa was right, because those people were old, and probably forgot. She ended up coming in at noon. I guess the doors had been opened the whole time for the Ponca City people, but they hadn’t known. I find that story hard to believe, but once again, since the people were old, I passed it off as them being senile. Brittany then came in for her shift from 12:30-4pm. I packed up my stuff, turned in my paperwork to Lisa, and proceeded to leave, when Lisa tells me that I needed to stay to do a sweep of the property and make sure everyone who is still there had payed for their bands for the race later that evening. I was surprised, because I was on my way out, and didn’t expect to have to stay longer, but I went ahead and called my babysitter and told them that I would be a little late. Lisa sees me on the phone, as I’m getting ready to go out there and go around, and she says ‘It’s not like it’s new news, I told you last night, that you would need to do a sweep of the property before you left today.’ It WAS news to me. We hadn’t talked about that the night before at all. I quickly scanned through my texts in my phone to see if there was a converstation between us that I had missed, but there wasn’t. So instead of wasting more time, or arguing with Lisa, I went around in the mule with Flavio (which I was lucky for, because she originally wanted me to go around the huge property on foot in the 90 something degree weather). Later, when I finally was able to leave, she told me that the Ponca City people were nervous enough because Jeff wasn’t there to help them run things, so we all needed to make sure that were weren’t even a minute late the next day, so we could show him, that things could still run smoothly without Jeff. I agreed, and showed up right at 5:40 the next morning, in time to open the gates at 6 am. Lisa wasn’t there, but I figured she would be coming, since Ponca City Qualifiers were supposed to be kind of a big deal according to Jeff. At 7:25am, I received a text from Lisa asking if we were busy and if things were going okay. (Which I still have saved in my phone for reference.) I told her things were fine, and how many people we had. Then she told me that if the gates get slow, one of us can go home. I had Brittany and I scheduled for 5:45 am-10 am, and then Bree was going to come in for the rest of the day. Then I get a call from Lisa shortly after that, telling me that she had eaten at a restaurant the night before and had gotten food poisoning, and so she would be in later. We ended up almost running out of bands, because she had not left us enough, and the extra boxes that were in our booth, had been taken up to the office at her request the day before. I figured it out, and ended up using the bands from the night before because we had no other choice. Again, if someone would have been there to let me in the office, I would have been able to get a new box of bands. Lisa then informed me, that we would already be gone by the time she got there, so to have a good day. Bree ended up taking over, she started selling bands for the race the next day (Monday-FirePolice MX race.) She had to call me twice and ask about the box of bands that she received from Lisa because apparently, they were all messed up, and was missing a whole section of numbers. This was supposed to be a brand new box. So I guess, Lisa must have gone home, or else, Bree would have been able to get help from her.
Here it is, Monday. Lisa had told me the hours for the race was from 9am-4pm. I had scheduled Hayden for Daycare ahead of time on Friday, and it was going to work out fine, because I needed to drop him off at 8, and that’s when daycare opened. No earlier. I get a call this morning at 7:03am (again, saved in my phone,) from Flavio, asking what time the gates opened. I told him 9, and went back to sleep, not realizing that it was kind of strange for him to call me that early unless something was going on. I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I decided to get up and get ready and pack Hayden up for that day, since it would be a long day for him at daycare. I had two missed calls from Flavio on my phone at 7:31 am. I called him back, and he was freaking out, telling me that gates were supposed to open at 7am according to the riders who were yelling at him. I told him, that Lisa had told me 9am and I was supposed to be there at 8:30 (we always get there a half hour before our shift starts to set things up.) At that moment, Jeff was beeping in on my other line. I answered, and he starts freaking out on me, telling me gates opened at 7am, and where the hell was I? I was mad, but I calmly told explained to him, that Lisa had written down the hours for me for that day, and I had scheduled myself. And that she had told me it was from 9am-4pm. He didn’t want to listen, all he cared about was how fast I could get there. I was really mad and upset because again, this was all news to me, and Lisa had made yet another mistake with times (think back to Saturday when she was supposedly supposed to be there at 11am, and supposedly telling me the night before I would have to stay over to do a sweep.) I rushed out the door, and made Andrew get up and take Hayden to daycare at 8am, because I couldn’t drop him off any earlier. He was supposed to be doing homework. So now my morning, Andrew’s morning, and the people at the tracks mornings were all messed up because of Lisa’s ‘mistake.’ I got to the track, to find Flavio working the gate because there was a huge line. I parked, clocked in really fast, and took my position at the front gate selling the wristbands. I was already in a bad mood because of all the problems going on, and I knew in the back of my mind, that I would be getting in trouble for the scheduling issues because of course, Jeff was going to believe his wife over me.
Just as I was thinking that, I got a text from Lisa saying “ I did write down 9 but you asked me about it and we looked at it together and fixed it that day.” I replied with “Acutally no, you told me nine, and we looked at perrisraceway.com together for the times of ponca city qualifiers.” Part her text was true. We had looked at the website for race times so we could fix a scheduling error, but it was for sunday, not the race today. Then she texts back saying “There is no way. Very has known since last week. I wrote down 9 on the paper by mistake, and we talked about it. Please bring the paper into the office when I get there.” By this time, I was mad. I didn’t have the paper anymore. I was pretty sure I had rewritten everything and given it to her with the names of who would be working those hours. And to have her, once again tell me that we had had a conversation that I know was non existant really made me freak out. There was no way I was going to win this. So, not caring about working there anymore due to the way I was being treated and talked to (or sometimes yelled at) I decided to reply with this : “I don’t know where it is, I’ll look in the trash. Bree cleaned the whole booth. You did tell me 9. I’m not arguing with anyone, it’s fine. As soon as you get here, YOU can work the front booth and I’m leaving and not coming back here to work anymore. You can tell Jeff that, because it’s not fair that you guys are unorganized and I get yelled at for it.” I knew I was going to be looked down upon for that, but I wasn’t expecting Jeff to call me and tell me “Are you really going to be a smart ass little bitch to my wife through text messages and tell here you are going to quit?!” Then when I went to explain myself of course he lashed out and yelled and screamed and I told him that he couldn’t stop me from quitting if I wanted to do so since I was being treated unfairly. Then he hung up. My plan, was to dig through the trash and try and see if the paper had gotten thrown away, and continue to serve the people who were still trickling in for the race, but since Jeff had talked to me so inappropirately and unprofessionally, I decided to give him the same courtesy as he did to me, and just leave the gate unmanned.

I’m not asking for my job back, because I’m sure if I were to continue to work there after these events, I wouldn’t be treated the same. I’m just letting the other people in charge know what is going on as far as the ‘business’ part of the track is concerned. This is not the first time something like this has happened. There have been quite a few instances where Jeff has called me and chewed me out because he was stressed at the fact that there was some kind of problem with scheduling. Quite a few of those same times, I have dropped what I had been doing and went straight to work to help them out of the situation. If things were more organized, maybe an assistant manager or two was hired and had keys or access to extra gate change, and supplies, and made schedules for everyone, and answered phone calls, (which a lot of customers complain to me about) and/or updated the voicemail accordingly, there would be fewer problems, and Jeff would be able to run the other parts of the track and whatever else he is doing without any issues. You can’t expect a business to run well if there is hardly someone there to keep the pieces together.

Thank you for your time,

Meghan Briscoe

mango chunks

Organic mango chunks are just as good as let's say.. brownies or donuts. Except the one that's currently in my mouth. Too sour.
speaking of... I wish there was a way to make regular boxed cake mix cakes in the microwave. Sometimes, I need a quick fix.

Our neighbors are being ridiculous right now. I walked across the apartments, to my dads apartment, and I finally saw the people who make all the noise. Total Cholos. It would be nice if they had some courtesy for their neighbors. Im talking TV's blaring with their windows open, parties, and they sit on their stairs and have yelling matches at each other. All from 11pm-4am. It's like they are quiet all day, and then wait for people to fall asleep and then do their business. Then, the people who just moved in next to us, sounded like they were killing each other. With hammers. Lovely.

Andrew is taking his online traffic school because he got a ticket for not having his headlights on when pulling out of a Jack in the box. Ridiculous. I'm glad he's taking it. He keeps telling me all this stuff he's learning. Apparently he isn't the greatest driver in the world like he thought he was, or else he would have known these things.

Now, kids are screaming and chasing each other. I'm holding off until 11 pm to call the cops.

Blick

I wanted a back massage and I didn't get one. Blick. I finally got some nice herbal natural detergent for hays diapers today. Whatever happened to the california moms board on iv? Can't find it and I want to have a playdate!


-- Blogging on the go from my iPhone

Grassification instanus

Running in water. You're getting somewhere, just really really slowly.
That's exactly how to describe how I feel. My mom constantly reminds me that my generation is an 'Instant Gratification' generation. She's right when it comes to me. I hate waiting. You only live once. Come on. I'm sick of having to constantly ask Andrew to do things. Apparently, I'm the only one who sees the baby needs to be fed, or changed. That the trash needs to be taken out. etc.. etc..

Andrew wants to play video games, watch movies with his headphones on, go out with his friends 2-3 nights a week, smoke week once a day.

Meghan wants, to have babies, have fun as a family, enjoy the outdoors and the simple things in life. Cherish what she has.

Those two people don't go hand in hand. Why am I CONSTANTLY trying to convince myself that I'm happy? What the hell is my problem. I stay because I have no other choice. I can't leave Andrew with bad credit that I helped run up and no way to pay for it.
I love him, but love is not enough. I want to be friends. I want to enjoy at least 5 things we do together. The only thing we like to do, is spend money, and DTD. Other than that, we don't get along.

I keep making wedding plans because I think that things will work out, I just need to wait about 5 years. What am I supposed to do meanwhile?? Be completely fucking miserable??

I can't tell Andrew that he can't smoke, can't smoke weed, can't play video games, can't hang out with his friends that often. When I do, I'm trying to completely change who he is. He won't be his own person. I WANT/NEED someone who is ready to settle down, and be a good person. Be a father, a friend, AND their own person. I know that kind of man is out there.
I can't be alone.
I don't want to be alone.
I won't be alone. I deserve for a companion to be there for me and my baby.

Playdated

Today, My friend Katie came over with her son Cody for a play date. It was cute. Last time Cody came over, he never smiled, and cried every time Hayden would make a noise. Must have been teething or something because he was really happy today. I haven't gotten to chat with Katie in awhile lately either so it was nice. I just gave Hay a bath because of his rash, and made our save the dates for the wedding. I wish I could just find a place to have the wedding on the internet. Every place I find, doesn't have prices listed, and you have to call. I don't want to waste my time by calling and having them tell me it's going to be over my budget. Hope to figure something out soon. Hmmm

Mama Day

All day long, Hayden said 'Da Da.' I tried to remind him it was Ma Ma's day, but he had tunnel vision. It was an over all nice day. Nothing was really different except I did some heavy scrubbing and cleaning about an hour ago. It made me feel good and fresh to have things De-cluttered and clean.

Today reminded me, that I can't wait to have more kids. Hayden can be extra monstrous, but I still love him more than the word 'love' has meaning. I couldn't imagine life without him. I don't think being a mom makes things harder right now, it makes them more exciting. One day, I'm going to be sitting in bed after I put all my kids to bed, (just like I am now) and look back at how things were in our little apartment with Andrew having to commute an hour to school twice a week, and myself working part time, struggling to pay the bills, knowing that our hard work would pay off eventually. Life is nice now, but it will be nice years from now, just in a different way. My mom has always told me that if you take shortcuts to get places, the reward won't be as great. You have to work hard for what you want. I HATE hard work. Especially physical labor. But she's right. When I do the hard work, I feel like I accomplished something great. So Andrew and I's relationship needs work. Hard work. It won't get better until it gets worse, and if we both work our ass off, and believe in it, we will be greatly rewarded, and someday, getting along will come easy for us. We just need to get passed the rocky patches.

So far, today, things have gone better for us.
I'm hungry again. And suddenly very tired.

I miss co sleeping.

Traditions

I want to instill certain things in Hayden's brain.

1.) Family Dinner. I want to sit down as a family every night for dinner.

2.) Don't make fun of people because they are different.

3.) Everyone get's a cake for their birthday. I want to make cakes for our families birthday, and have it be a tradition.

4.) Always make mommy and daddy presents for mothers/fathers day.

5.) Baths before bed.


If I think of anymore.. I'll add them.

Once again, last night sucked.
I made him sleep on the couch, but he came back in the room a little while later and was all sexual, and I was ASLEEP. HELLO??!! Why the hell would I want to be sexual with him at all, after the conversation we had just had before bed. I'm disgusted. I love him, but all this wedding planning, that was once exciting to me, is now FREAKING me out big time. How could I marry someone who I get a long with maybe one whole hour of the day? Someone that doesn't share the same dreams with me? Someone who wants to wait 5 or more years to have another baby, when that's what makes me happy is having kids? Someone who doesn't see eye to eye with me on raising our son? Someone who get's 'bored' and has to smoke weed a lot? Someone who doesn't care about their health, when I care about them so much?

I feel like I'm constantly growing and changing for the better because that's what's supposed to happen when you are older. But he get's mad at me, and tells me I've changed. Well at least I'm learning and changing for the better. Unlike him. He just get's more negative and sarcastic as he grows. I feel like i'm stuck because I love him, but things are not going well for us. And if things change, it's only for one day, and then it's back to the same thing. I'm working on things, and he forgets and goes back to how he normally is. Almost everything that comes out of his mouth is negative, and rude. I'm so frustrated. He's holding me back from growing as a person, and he won't let us grow together as a couple. I want to make it work, but I think we need counseling. The problem is the expense. We won't have health insurance until the first week in July, and then even then, it doesn't cover that. So we would be paying around $100 out of pocket for each session.
I know nobody is perfect, but I picture myself raising kids with someone fun. Who would do outdoors stuff with me and the kids, who likes to spend time with their family, who wouldn't mind going on and not spending any money like to the beach or a park, and make our own fun. Someone I can share my feelings with, and have them actually acknowledge them. And someone who isn't held down by their parents.
I know I have anxiety, I'm hypersensitive if I'm not feeling well, I can be annoying, and sometimes mentally high maintenance, but I deserve better. I deserve someone who is emotionally there for me. Not just physically.

I'm just worried that if we weren't together, where would I go? My mom won't let me move back home, I need to be comfortable, and have Hayden safe.

Hayden was half choking the other day. It really scared me ad got me thinking. One of my worst fears is to have him choking and to not be able to dislodge the object. Like the heimleich not work. Then what would I do? I would grab him run downstairs and pound on every door screaming until someone could help me and someone else call 911. So again, it was haunting me today, so I asked andrew just now if he knew what to do, since he is watching hayden tomorrow while I work. He says "yah, do the heimleich." I asked him what he would do if it didn't work. He told me "I would make it work." then he rejects my idea about running door to door screaming for help. I got mad because he was so non chilant about the whole thing, that I freaked out. What? He wouldn't do everything in his power to keep his son alive? Of course he got offended. Of course. It was offensive. And I'm sorry for that, but those are the kind of insane mommy things that go on in my brain.


-- Blogging on the go from my iPhone

Sushi me

Got off work today, picked up the baby from daycare and they had the kids make aprons for us. Mine had haydens footprints and little fists because he wouldn't open his hands to make handprints. And it said his name and the date. Totally cute. Greatest mothersday present ever.

Then we went to target and got some stuff to make my homemade wipes solution for poor hays sore heiney, and a new microwave thanks to Andrews parents. Andrew was rally negative the whole time, mumbled under his breath, and kept starting fights. It made it harder for me to keep my cool like I had planned.

Now we are at sushi, and I'm getting scolded for blogging at the table.


-- Blogging on the go from my iPhone

>.<

I can't even begin to explain how frustrated/upset/angry I am today.  First off, people on the July 2008 Firecracker board have been so touchy lately.  I thought I would try and do something to bring everyone together due to the recent uproar about a nasty anonymous blog that was written about some of our girls on the board.  Apparently, my idea didn't work, and it 'OFFENDED' certain people, and the whole idea pretty much went to shit.  I was all about saying nice things about others, but once people piss me off, I get rude.  I decided two weeks ago that I was going to say what I felt more often, and not let people walk all over me.  So far, I have let go of a few so called 'friends' who weren't even worth talking to anymore.

My second issue, is that my nice camera that Andrew had gotten for me last September as an anniversary gift, that I literally use 'daily', was dropped into a glass of iced tea by Hayden.  I guess he was tired of getting his picture taken.  It's hard to be mad at him though because it cracks me up how he has this newfound skill of putting things in other things, and taking things out, and putting them back.  If only I could get him to clean up his own toys.....

Third is Andrew's behavior last night.  I was having a meltdown/panic attack from stress, and he didn't show up until way late from hanging out with his friends, and he was completely out of it.  He wasn't any help to me, wouldn't console me, or anything nice at all.  I made him sleep on the couch because I was so mad.  I don't even feel like dealing with him today.

On the bright side, here are some pictures I got of Hayden right before he trashed my camera.

fantastic

Medi-Cal decided to go after Andrew for Child Support without my permission.  They put it under my name like I requested for them to do so.  I took the case number down and phone number so I can call them tomorrow and demand them to stop it.  Andrew and I are together so I don't know why they would do that.  And of course, his parents ganged up on me and I know they thought I did it.  I wouldn't do that unless he wasn't helping at all.  

I woke up to a nice dry baby this morning...but a diaper full of poop.  I wish he wouldn't poop at night because I don't know that he goes, and he wakes up with a little rash.  I'm thinking of making my own cloth wipes as well, with a wipes solution.  Not sure if Andrew will let me though.  He told me earlier 'I won't let you become that kind of parent.'  And what kind of parent is that?? Excuse me for trying to go a little more natural.  If it doesn't work out, then I'll go back to disposable wipes.

I want to see my mom today.  I miss her.  We live like 10 blocks away from each other and I haven't seen her in a few days.  Maybe I'll do that today.

foul.

I'm really angry right now.  I was following a siggy tutorial for Photoshop CS3 and it said to download this font off of a website, and so I did, and installed it, and now the whole Photoshop program is wigging out.  The text comes out as flat lines, no letters, and the drop down menus won't open up.  I hope Andrew can figure it out when I get home because out of all the tutorials I have tried, I was actually getting somewhere with that one.

Andrew won't use the cloth diapers. He says it's because he doesn't know how, but it's not that hard to figure out how to snap snaps.  He put a disposable on him.  Damn him and his lack of  'green.'

I wish I could switch my blogs over from livejournal. At least this one doesn't give me a hard time for not having Internet Explorer.

Hmm. I'm really mad tonight at Andrew. He took off to his friends, and once again left me at home with the baby.

In other news, we switched Hayden over to cloth diapers the other day. Today I went and bought some diapers from a lady off Craigslist. She was really nice and had a HUGE selection. She decided not to CD after moving to California from Georgia because water is really expensive here. Hah. Could have something to do with the fact that she is living in a gated 'lake' community that charges more for their water usage. Anyways, it's going well so far. I purchased 14 diapers, inserts to go along with them, and a bunch of prefolds. We had our first poo in one today. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I have to go to bed. I'm so insanely tired I can't even keep my head lifted without if being propped on the wall.