Yesterday, I had to torture Nixon by changing his wet diaper and his outfit, because he had peed through. He was hysterical, and I could tell Andrew seemed a little nervous because of the volume of Nixon's cry. He sat down next to him and touched his face, and then said "Geez.. I hope you are going to give him some milk after this..."
That comment made me so happy. Andrew never approved of breastfeeding when I was pregnant, and I wasn't sure how much support I would get with it once Nixon came. I don't blame him, it's foreign to him, and he's such a boob guy, that I'm sure he was worried that he wouldn't even get to look at them again because they would be officially 'Nixon's.' The last three weeks, he's been supportive, but still doesn't completely 'get' it. He doesn't understand that I need to consume more calories than normal still because I'm feeding Nix as well, and he is weird about me nursing in public. I bought a nursing cover so I wouldn't make people feel uncomfortable at family parties around the holidays. I hate it though. I can't hold it up so I can see what I'm doing when I'm trying to latch him, and it feels hot and annoys me. So I haven't really been using it, and I shouldn't have to.
Anyways, just the comment being made, made me feel happy that I could give my baby something to calm him down, and that I am the ONLY one who can give that to him. My husband can't, my mom can't, my inlaws can't. Just me. Mama's milk will make him all better. It will fill his tummy, and make him calm and feel secure from the 'torture' he was just put through, and for my husband to say that, made me feel special and that I had more of his support than I knew of.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The last time I was in here...
Nixon is almost 4 weeks old. I can't believe it's almost been a month since he was was born. A month of mourning the loss of my peaceful and beautiful birth. Although I feel better emotionally as every day passes, I will never forget how violent everything felt once I got to the hospital on that rainy day, and had my beautiful baby cut out of me. This last Saturday, I was at my mom's house for a family party, and my dad asked me if I had lost all my baby weight...(now that I think about it.. that's such a no no question for a guy to ask haha,) and I realized I had forgotten to weigh myself since Nixon's birth. So I ran up to my mom's room, stepped onto her scale in the bathroom, and BOOM! it totally hit me. The last time I had stepped onto this same scale, was exactly 3 weeks before, and I was by myself in my mom's bathroom praying for labor to start up again. I sat down and cried hysterically. I looked around and pictured myself in the tub while my husband held my hand. It hurt really bad to be up there again. Everyone always tells me "at least your baby is here and healthy." That couldn't be more true. He is absolutely amazing. I love him to pieces, and I should no longer be thinking of November 20th as a bad day, but a happy day. The day my baby made it into the world safely.
Today, I was going through paperwork to get ready for our WIC appointment next week, and I came across all of the paperwork my husband had to sign while I was being rushed into the OR. It didn't hurt as bad. Everyday I feel better, but I will always wonder what went wrong, and what I could have done differently, and why God made things happen the way they did.
*ohhh btw.. I did lose most of my pregnancy weight. I was 116 pre-pregnancy, and now I'm down to 118. :)
Today, I was going through paperwork to get ready for our WIC appointment next week, and I came across all of the paperwork my husband had to sign while I was being rushed into the OR. It didn't hurt as bad. Everyday I feel better, but I will always wonder what went wrong, and what I could have done differently, and why God made things happen the way they did.
*ohhh btw.. I did lose most of my pregnancy weight. I was 116 pre-pregnancy, and now I'm down to 118. :)
Nixon's birth story
My last post.. bittersweet <333 I WAS in fact in labor.. and here is how things went..
Thursday I woke up feeling amazing. I wasn't tired, I felt refreshed, and I wasn't grumpy. I posted it on facebook, and got a ton of comments on how that's a sign of labor ;). My mom was leaving that night on a much needed trip with her best friend. She would only be two hours away, but I started getting a little nervous. I went and took a walk with Hayden, and came home. Andrew got home at 7:30pm, with a box of fluffy mail, we ate, and then Andrew and Hayden went to bed while I stayed up nesting. Contractions started at 8, and by 9 pm, I was in pain, and they were constant. I called my mom at 1am, woke her up, and told her to get her stuff together. I went in the bathroom and attempted to check myself but noticed a ton of bloody show, so I ran to call my midwife. Andrew and I packed the birth box and Hayden in the car, and showed up at my moms. My midwife Lisa checked me because I begged (I was excited to see how much I progressed without being in the hospital on pitocin.) She declared 4cm, and I got in the tub because I was uncomfortable. Andrew was downstairs with Hayden, and I was upset because my 18 year old sister decided she didn't want to be up that early, and wouldn't answer her phone to come watch Hay like we planned. My mom showed up about 3am. My contractions had slowed down a bit, and I tried to rest, and drank what felt like gallons of Gatorade. By 6am, contractions were 2cm apart, and I was full on laboring. The whole day was a blur. I remember getting in and out of the tub a bunch of times, laboring on the toilet, candles, starbuck runs, teaspoons of honey and bagels to keep my strength up, all while in major pain. I was completely dilated by 9pm, after 24 hours of labor, and my bag of water was bulging. I remember feeling for the first time, the weird feeling of spontaneous pushing. I didn't have to try, it was amazing and kind of yucky feeling at the same time. They broke my water in the tub with an amnicot right around 9:30. They thought maybe it was obstructing the head from coming down. I got to feel Nixons head, and after feeling the awfulness of 'transition' which felt like it had lasted hours, I got a surge of energy and felt that I was 'so close' to my goal. The blanket warmer was on, I watched as they set up the counter with bulb syringes, and oxygen and baby supplies. When I saw that, I was so overwhelmed with joy. They knew my baby would be there soon as well!
After pushing in various positions for a couple hours, they felt to see where his head was. It was still in the same position, but they had a feeling his head was OP (sunny side up.) That pushing urge had gone away, and I didn't feel strong enough contractions to even force pushing. I was frustrated, and really tired, so I laid down to sleep. This was at midnight. Andrew laid with me, because there wasn't enough action for pictures anymore. I got two strong contractions the rest of the night, where I remember reaching over and grabbing Andrews hand for help. They were constantly checking Nixons heart tones, and he never had decelleration, (not even earlier during contractions.) He was a trooper. The next thing I know, it was 7am, everyone had gotten sleep, and I STILL wasn't contracting. I got up, had breakfast, my strength was back, and I was ready to try all the herbs and sidestepping and pumping to try and bring on contractions again. At 10 am, I wanted some time to labor by myself. I sat in my moms bathroom, and cried, prayed hard, and took some last pictures of my belly. This would be Nixons birthday. I would no longer be pregnant after today. I needed to go to the hospital and have them try to start things up again. I came downstairs, announced the plan ( my midwives had already suggested it an hour before) and called a couple hospitals trying to explain what was going on, and hoping someone could point me in the direction of a doctor that wouldn't stick me straight into a c section. Everyone thought I was insane, of course couldn't guarantee anything over the phone, and one hospital almost wanted to send an ambulance. We showed up to corona regional, my mom was to meet us there within the hour. My midwife had called ahead of time so it didn't look like 'midwife dumping.' they wheeled me in, hooked me up to what seemed like a million monitors and ivs, and I had an awful nurse. The doctor came in, I explained everything, and he was willing to do what he could to try for a vaginal birth. I signed the waiver for vacuum assistance (Hayden was vacuum assisted) and waited for my strong pitocin contractions to come. All of a sudden, the nurse starts yelling at me "Youre having a huge d-cell! Omg see, you need a c section, I can't believe this" and throws an oxygen mask on me, and calls the doctor in. I looked at Andrew and i rolled onto my left side. Position change worked right away. The decell was 85. I expected a lower number because of how freaked she was. I told her when she came back in, that a little decelleration during contractions is normal, and position change (they had me flat on my back of course) would help. She was mad that I was telling her how to do her job. The doctor comes in, looks at the decells, and wasn't extremely worried because it's "normal" sometimes. Hah!
I never ended up getting those big painful pitocin contractions. They had to inform me of the contractions, because they weren't strong enough to feel, and pushing and two attempts of the vacuum didn't work. Nixon never came down from a +2 station. The doctor turned the light off, told me I needed a c section, and mumbled something about lunch in 30 min. I started crying so hard and I looked over at my husband and I've never seen him look that scared. He just grabbed my hand, the doctor tried to comfort me by asking what I was scared of and telling me that they would be sending me to pre op prep in 5 min. My mom didn't say a word the whole time. I don't think she could without falling apart. The crappy nurse says something about c sections being way safer than vaginal delivery in the first place, and how she's had 4 of them. How comforting...
I went in, received my spinal from the nicest person I had met so far, they laid me down, brought Andrew in, I begged him to stay on the same side of the drape and not look, and I immediately went into full panic mode and started to shake badly. They gave me something in my iv to calm me down as they were pulling the baby out. When they brought him over to me, I couldn't even move my head to look at him for the first time. I was so drugged up, I couldn't look at my baby. The next thing I knew, we were in recovery, Andrew was holding Nixon, and 2 nurses and the anestesiologist were sitting quietly on computers. It was over, he was here and perfect, but I spent the next two hours crying hysterically. I've never been so traumatized, I felt bad for Nixon for having to have such a traumatic birth, and I wanted to see my mom but they said I couldn't for a couple hours. In the end, One thing kept me from completely losing it. His name is:
Nixon John Timothy Jansen
6lbs. 13 oz.
18 inches long
Thursday I woke up feeling amazing. I wasn't tired, I felt refreshed, and I wasn't grumpy. I posted it on facebook, and got a ton of comments on how that's a sign of labor ;). My mom was leaving that night on a much needed trip with her best friend. She would only be two hours away, but I started getting a little nervous. I went and took a walk with Hayden, and came home. Andrew got home at 7:30pm, with a box of fluffy mail, we ate, and then Andrew and Hayden went to bed while I stayed up nesting. Contractions started at 8, and by 9 pm, I was in pain, and they were constant. I called my mom at 1am, woke her up, and told her to get her stuff together. I went in the bathroom and attempted to check myself but noticed a ton of bloody show, so I ran to call my midwife. Andrew and I packed the birth box and Hayden in the car, and showed up at my moms. My midwife Lisa checked me because I begged (I was excited to see how much I progressed without being in the hospital on pitocin.) She declared 4cm, and I got in the tub because I was uncomfortable. Andrew was downstairs with Hayden, and I was upset because my 18 year old sister decided she didn't want to be up that early, and wouldn't answer her phone to come watch Hay like we planned. My mom showed up about 3am. My contractions had slowed down a bit, and I tried to rest, and drank what felt like gallons of Gatorade. By 6am, contractions were 2cm apart, and I was full on laboring. The whole day was a blur. I remember getting in and out of the tub a bunch of times, laboring on the toilet, candles, starbuck runs, teaspoons of honey and bagels to keep my strength up, all while in major pain. I was completely dilated by 9pm, after 24 hours of labor, and my bag of water was bulging. I remember feeling for the first time, the weird feeling of spontaneous pushing. I didn't have to try, it was amazing and kind of yucky feeling at the same time. They broke my water in the tub with an amnicot right around 9:30. They thought maybe it was obstructing the head from coming down. I got to feel Nixons head, and after feeling the awfulness of 'transition' which felt like it had lasted hours, I got a surge of energy and felt that I was 'so close' to my goal. The blanket warmer was on, I watched as they set up the counter with bulb syringes, and oxygen and baby supplies. When I saw that, I was so overwhelmed with joy. They knew my baby would be there soon as well!
After pushing in various positions for a couple hours, they felt to see where his head was. It was still in the same position, but they had a feeling his head was OP (sunny side up.) That pushing urge had gone away, and I didn't feel strong enough contractions to even force pushing. I was frustrated, and really tired, so I laid down to sleep. This was at midnight. Andrew laid with me, because there wasn't enough action for pictures anymore. I got two strong contractions the rest of the night, where I remember reaching over and grabbing Andrews hand for help. They were constantly checking Nixons heart tones, and he never had decelleration, (not even earlier during contractions.) He was a trooper. The next thing I know, it was 7am, everyone had gotten sleep, and I STILL wasn't contracting. I got up, had breakfast, my strength was back, and I was ready to try all the herbs and sidestepping and pumping to try and bring on contractions again. At 10 am, I wanted some time to labor by myself. I sat in my moms bathroom, and cried, prayed hard, and took some last pictures of my belly. This would be Nixons birthday. I would no longer be pregnant after today. I needed to go to the hospital and have them try to start things up again. I came downstairs, announced the plan ( my midwives had already suggested it an hour before) and called a couple hospitals trying to explain what was going on, and hoping someone could point me in the direction of a doctor that wouldn't stick me straight into a c section. Everyone thought I was insane, of course couldn't guarantee anything over the phone, and one hospital almost wanted to send an ambulance. We showed up to corona regional, my mom was to meet us there within the hour. My midwife had called ahead of time so it didn't look like 'midwife dumping.' they wheeled me in, hooked me up to what seemed like a million monitors and ivs, and I had an awful nurse. The doctor came in, I explained everything, and he was willing to do what he could to try for a vaginal birth. I signed the waiver for vacuum assistance (Hayden was vacuum assisted) and waited for my strong pitocin contractions to come. All of a sudden, the nurse starts yelling at me "Youre having a huge d-cell! Omg see, you need a c section, I can't believe this" and throws an oxygen mask on me, and calls the doctor in. I looked at Andrew and i rolled onto my left side. Position change worked right away. The decell was 85. I expected a lower number because of how freaked she was. I told her when she came back in, that a little decelleration during contractions is normal, and position change (they had me flat on my back of course) would help. She was mad that I was telling her how to do her job. The doctor comes in, looks at the decells, and wasn't extremely worried because it's "normal" sometimes. Hah!
I never ended up getting those big painful pitocin contractions. They had to inform me of the contractions, because they weren't strong enough to feel, and pushing and two attempts of the vacuum didn't work. Nixon never came down from a +2 station. The doctor turned the light off, told me I needed a c section, and mumbled something about lunch in 30 min. I started crying so hard and I looked over at my husband and I've never seen him look that scared. He just grabbed my hand, the doctor tried to comfort me by asking what I was scared of and telling me that they would be sending me to pre op prep in 5 min. My mom didn't say a word the whole time. I don't think she could without falling apart. The crappy nurse says something about c sections being way safer than vaginal delivery in the first place, and how she's had 4 of them. How comforting...
I went in, received my spinal from the nicest person I had met so far, they laid me down, brought Andrew in, I begged him to stay on the same side of the drape and not look, and I immediately went into full panic mode and started to shake badly. They gave me something in my iv to calm me down as they were pulling the baby out. When they brought him over to me, I couldn't even move my head to look at him for the first time. I was so drugged up, I couldn't look at my baby. The next thing I knew, we were in recovery, Andrew was holding Nixon, and 2 nurses and the anestesiologist were sitting quietly on computers. It was over, he was here and perfect, but I spent the next two hours crying hysterically. I've never been so traumatized, I felt bad for Nixon for having to have such a traumatic birth, and I wanted to see my mom but they said I couldn't for a couple hours. In the end, One thing kept me from completely losing it. His name is:
Nixon John Timothy Jansen
6lbs. 13 oz.
18 inches long
Friday, November 19, 2010
.......................
Burst of energy today. Everyone predicted labor... I'm like 80% sure that's what's happening now.
Unfortunately, it's been going on since 9pm, it's now 2:44am.. I can't sleep through the contractions because they are so painful. They are 3-4min apart, and hurt like absolute h377.............
I tried everything that always stops my false labors, but I'm pretty sure this is it. Although I said that last time.
I went to bed at 9 because I was annoyed by braxton hicks contrax. Woke up from a dream about really bad period cramps. Then got up to pee and realized they weren't cramps. Then my stomach started acting up, and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom every 5 min for the first half hour.
...................................................................timing contrax on andrew's droid. Droid Doula. (haha)
I hope this isn't the start of some 3 day labor.
I need to get some sleep. Impossible.
Making a labor playlist instead for the ipod.
Unfortunately, it's been going on since 9pm, it's now 2:44am.. I can't sleep through the contractions because they are so painful. They are 3-4min apart, and hurt like absolute h377.............
I tried everything that always stops my false labors, but I'm pretty sure this is it. Although I said that last time.
I went to bed at 9 because I was annoyed by braxton hicks contrax. Woke up from a dream about really bad period cramps. Then got up to pee and realized they weren't cramps. Then my stomach started acting up, and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom every 5 min for the first half hour.
...................................................................timing contrax on andrew's droid. Droid Doula. (haha)
I hope this isn't the start of some 3 day labor.
I need to get some sleep. Impossible.
Making a labor playlist instead for the ipod.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Refreshing!
Yesterday was a horrible day. I was crying and calling my mom by 7:30am. Hayden was helacioius, Andrew and I had fought the night before because of never seeing him, and I was so unbelievably tired from not getting any sleep. I ended up taking Hay for a walk in the stroller (he refused to walk for some reason) and met a girl that lives in our complex that is a SAHM to a 15 month old. We talked for awhile about how 'not easy' it is to stay home all day alone while your husband works. Then Hay and I came home, and all of a sudden like a brick wall, I felt horrible. I had a headache, my intestines were in knots and I had HORRIBLE diarrhea. It was weird. Since Hayden was ready for a nap, we laid down, and only ended up sleeping for 45 min before he woke up. Then last night, I figured I would try to speed things along. So we DTD, and then I took the dog for a walk around the complex to start up contractions (it always works.) However, it didn't do much, so I went to bed.
I woke up this morning feeling GREAT! Like I'm not even pregnant (besides Nixon moving around) He's not beating up my cervix, I can walk better, breathe better, and I'm really refreshed. Especially for not sleeping very well last night. I was ready to go grocery shopping by 7am, and grabbed a Starbucks. I called my mom and told her how I felt, and she immediately got worried, and said that's what happened to her before she went into labor with me at night, and my sister. Now everyone is saying that, and although it would be nice, I can't see it happening. I just don't get the vibe.
Everything is great so far, besides extreme fits from Hayden (which for some reason I have a newfound patience for) and having to punish the cat by locking her in the bathroom 500 times because she won't stay off the kitchen table or counters.
I woke up this morning feeling GREAT! Like I'm not even pregnant (besides Nixon moving around) He's not beating up my cervix, I can walk better, breathe better, and I'm really refreshed. Especially for not sleeping very well last night. I was ready to go grocery shopping by 7am, and grabbed a Starbucks. I called my mom and told her how I felt, and she immediately got worried, and said that's what happened to her before she went into labor with me at night, and my sister. Now everyone is saying that, and although it would be nice, I can't see it happening. I just don't get the vibe.
Everything is great so far, besides extreme fits from Hayden (which for some reason I have a newfound patience for) and having to punish the cat by locking her in the bathroom 500 times because she won't stay off the kitchen table or counters.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
need. new. schedule.
I don't know how people do it. I'm so frustrated right now. Andrew has to work, but him gone from 5:30am-7pm doesn't work. He get's off at 5pm, but sits in traffic, comes home, goes right to the computer, is tired, we fight Hayden to go to bed, and by that time, both of us are exhausted, and need to go to bed ourselves. Also, I'm stressed because whenever the baby comes, he will need to take the day off, and maybe the next day, but everyday he takes off, is -$120 for us, and we need to be able to make rent. So I guess we will have to do the thing we did when Hayden was born, and just have him take THAT day off, and go right back to work the next day, and I'll have no help. It's better than having no place to live.
I can't wait until my schedule is different. I'm horrible when I'm pregnant. I would rather have the kind of fatigue you get from a non-sleeping, up every two hour baby, than the fatigue and grumpiness from pregnancy.
I just want to be back to 'normal' for Hayden, and not have to tell him that I can't pick him up, and I can't give him horsey rides, and I can't be patient with him because I'm so hormonal.
Also, I like where we live, but I don't have any close friends/family that live nearby that I can hang out with and talk to a lot, I call my mom about 4 times a day because I'm lonely or bored. I hate being alone. Hate it. And I'm alone all day with Hayden, stuck in an apartment, and every time we go somewhere, it's great for both of us, but then he's sick again the next week and we have to miss a bunch of play dates. It's usually from my little sister. I need to get him more vitamins. This is beyond frustrating. Sick 3 times in 2 months.
I can't wait until my schedule is different. I'm horrible when I'm pregnant. I would rather have the kind of fatigue you get from a non-sleeping, up every two hour baby, than the fatigue and grumpiness from pregnancy.
I just want to be back to 'normal' for Hayden, and not have to tell him that I can't pick him up, and I can't give him horsey rides, and I can't be patient with him because I'm so hormonal.
Also, I like where we live, but I don't have any close friends/family that live nearby that I can hang out with and talk to a lot, I call my mom about 4 times a day because I'm lonely or bored. I hate being alone. Hate it. And I'm alone all day with Hayden, stuck in an apartment, and every time we go somewhere, it's great for both of us, but then he's sick again the next week and we have to miss a bunch of play dates. It's usually from my little sister. I need to get him more vitamins. This is beyond frustrating. Sick 3 times in 2 months.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
An update *copied from my pg.org board*
I had a great midwife appointment yesterday. My mom got to meet her for the first time. It was actually the first time she has ever been in the presence of a midwife and got to see how they do things. She was blown away. She couldn't believe how much amazing information she had, and how involved she let's family be in everything.
About a week ago, I had a major 'practice' labor. DH and I dtd, and BOOM! out of nowhere, I was having really strong contractions. They were painful, just like the labor ones I remember (right before I got my epidural with DS.) Nothing I couldn't handle with breathing and changing positions. I took a bath, got a couple things together 'just in case' contacted my midwife, and tried to sleep. They ended up going away at 4am. It turns out those 7.5 hours of contractions did something, because yesterday when checking the position of the baby, my midwife Lisa said she couldn't seem to find his head. She thought maybe it was way down there, but couldn't believe that it could have gotten that far in just a week. So she asked if I wanted her to check vaginally (which they don't normally do, they are pretty non-invasive) and I begged. I wanted to know if I had progressed on my own this time. Sure enough, she barely got in there before her eyes got big and she said 'oh wow.. his head is RIGHT there, your cervix is SUPER soft and so paper thin that I can feel the suture marks!" and then of course I begged for her to see if I was dilated (another thing they don't normally do unless you beg haha) and she again was a little surprised. 3-4 cm!
I'm happy that my body is doing it on it's own, as it's ready. Even though it's 3 weeks early, it's nice to know what it feels like to not have to be induced.
I'm home birth 'legal' now at 37 weeks. I'm excited, and I hope this means labor won't take as long, but who knows!
DH and I dtd again last night, and I had some of the same contractions and cramping, but it wasn't an explosive reaction like last time. I was able to sleep through it all.
About a week ago, I had a major 'practice' labor. DH and I dtd, and BOOM! out of nowhere, I was having really strong contractions. They were painful, just like the labor ones I remember (right before I got my epidural with DS.) Nothing I couldn't handle with breathing and changing positions. I took a bath, got a couple things together 'just in case' contacted my midwife, and tried to sleep. They ended up going away at 4am. It turns out those 7.5 hours of contractions did something, because yesterday when checking the position of the baby, my midwife Lisa said she couldn't seem to find his head. She thought maybe it was way down there, but couldn't believe that it could have gotten that far in just a week. So she asked if I wanted her to check vaginally (which they don't normally do, they are pretty non-invasive) and I begged. I wanted to know if I had progressed on my own this time. Sure enough, she barely got in there before her eyes got big and she said 'oh wow.. his head is RIGHT there, your cervix is SUPER soft and so paper thin that I can feel the suture marks!" and then of course I begged for her to see if I was dilated (another thing they don't normally do unless you beg haha) and she again was a little surprised. 3-4 cm!
I'm happy that my body is doing it on it's own, as it's ready. Even though it's 3 weeks early, it's nice to know what it feels like to not have to be induced.
I'm home birth 'legal' now at 37 weeks. I'm excited, and I hope this means labor won't take as long, but who knows!
DH and I dtd again last night, and I had some of the same contractions and cramping, but it wasn't an explosive reaction like last time. I was able to sleep through it all.
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