the cure of milk

Yesterday, I had to torture Nixon by changing his wet diaper and his outfit, because he had peed through. He was hysterical, and I could tell Andrew seemed a little nervous because of the volume of Nixon's cry. He sat down next to him and touched his face, and then said "Geez.. I hope you are going to give him some milk after this..."

That comment made me so happy. Andrew never approved of breastfeeding when I was pregnant, and I wasn't sure how much support I would get with it once Nixon came. I don't blame him, it's foreign to him, and he's such a boob guy, that I'm sure he was worried that he wouldn't even get to look at them again because they would be officially 'Nixon's.' The last three weeks, he's been supportive, but still doesn't completely 'get' it. He doesn't understand that I need to consume more calories than normal still because I'm feeding Nix as well, and he is weird about me nursing in public. I bought a nursing cover so I wouldn't make people feel uncomfortable at family parties around the holidays. I hate it though. I can't hold it up so I can see what I'm doing when I'm trying to latch him, and it feels hot and annoys me. So I haven't really been using it, and I shouldn't have to.

Anyways, just the comment being made, made me feel happy that I could give my baby something to calm him down, and that I am the ONLY one who can give that to him. My husband can't, my mom can't, my inlaws can't. Just me. Mama's milk will make him all better. It will fill his tummy, and make him calm and feel secure from the 'torture' he was just put through, and for my husband to say that, made me feel special and that I had more of his support than I knew of.

The last time I was in here...

Nixon is almost 4 weeks old. I can't believe it's almost been a month since he was was born. A month of mourning the loss of my peaceful and beautiful birth. Although I feel better emotionally as every day passes, I will never forget how violent everything felt once I got to the hospital on that rainy day, and had my beautiful baby cut out of me. This last Saturday, I was at my mom's house for a family party, and my dad asked me if I had lost all my baby weight...(now that I think about it.. that's such a no no question for a guy to ask haha,) and I realized I had forgotten to weigh myself since Nixon's birth. So I ran up to my mom's room, stepped onto her scale in the bathroom, and BOOM! it totally hit me. The last time I had stepped onto this same scale, was exactly 3 weeks before, and I was by myself in my mom's bathroom praying for labor to start up again. I sat down and cried hysterically. I looked around and pictured myself in the tub while my husband held my hand. It hurt really bad to be up there again. Everyone always tells me "at least your baby is here and healthy." That couldn't be more true. He is absolutely amazing. I love him to pieces, and I should no longer be thinking of November 20th as a bad day, but a happy day. The day my baby made it into the world safely.

Today, I was going through paperwork to get ready for our WIC appointment next week, and I came across all of the paperwork my husband had to sign while I was being rushed into the OR. It didn't hurt as bad. Everyday I feel better, but I will always wonder what went wrong, and what I could have done differently, and why God made things happen the way they did.

*ohhh btw.. I did lose most of my pregnancy weight. I was 116 pre-pregnancy, and now I'm down to 118. :)

Nixon's birth story

My last post.. bittersweet <333 I WAS in fact in labor.. and here is how things went..


Thursday I woke up feeling amazing. I wasn't tired, I felt refreshed, and I wasn't grumpy. I posted it on facebook, and got a ton of comments on how that's a sign of labor ;). My mom was leaving that night on a much needed trip with her best friend. She would only be two hours away, but I started getting a little nervous. I went and took a walk with Hayden, and came home. Andrew got home at 7:30pm, with a box of fluffy mail, we ate, and then Andrew and Hayden went to bed while I stayed up nesting. Contractions started at 8, and by 9 pm, I was in pain, and they were constant. I called my mom at 1am, woke her up, and told her to get her stuff together. I went in the bathroom and attempted to check myself but noticed a ton of bloody show, so I ran to call my midwife. Andrew and I packed the birth box and Hayden in the car, and showed up at my moms. My midwife Lisa checked me because I begged (I was excited to see how much I progressed without being in the hospital on pitocin.) She declared 4cm, and I got in the tub because I was uncomfortable. Andrew was downstairs with Hayden, and I was upset because my 18 year old sister decided she didn't want to be up that early, and wouldn't answer her phone to come watch Hay like we planned. My mom showed up about 3am. My contractions had slowed down a bit, and I tried to rest, and drank what felt like gallons of Gatorade. By 6am, contractions were 2cm apart, and I was full on laboring. The whole day was a blur. I remember getting in and out of the tub a bunch of times, laboring on the toilet, candles, starbuck runs, teaspoons of honey and bagels to keep my strength up, all while in major pain. I was completely dilated by 9pm, after 24 hours of labor, and my bag of water was bulging. I remember feeling for the first time, the weird feeling of spontaneous pushing. I didn't have to try, it was amazing and kind of yucky feeling at the same time. They broke my water in the tub with an amnicot right around 9:30. They thought maybe it was obstructing the head from coming down. I got to feel Nixons head, and after feeling the awfulness of 'transition' which felt like it had lasted hours, I got a surge of energy and felt that I was 'so close' to my goal. The blanket warmer was on, I watched as they set up the counter with bulb syringes, and oxygen and baby supplies. When I saw that, I was so overwhelmed with joy. They knew my baby would be there soon as well!

After pushing in various positions for a couple hours, they felt to see where his head was. It was still in the same position, but they had a feeling his head was OP (sunny side up.) That pushing urge had gone away, and I didn't feel strong enough contractions to even force pushing. I was frustrated, and really tired, so I laid down to sleep. This was at midnight. Andrew laid with me, because there wasn't enough action for pictures anymore. I got two strong contractions the rest of the night, where I remember reaching over and grabbing Andrews hand for help. They were constantly checking Nixons heart tones, and he never had decelleration, (not even earlier during contractions.) He was a trooper. The next thing I know, it was 7am, everyone had gotten sleep, and I STILL wasn't contracting. I got up, had breakfast, my strength was back, and I was ready to try all the herbs and sidestepping and pumping to try and bring on contractions again. At 10 am, I wanted some time to labor by myself. I sat in my moms bathroom, and cried, prayed hard, and took some last pictures of my belly. This would be Nixons birthday. I would no longer be pregnant after today. I needed to go to the hospital and have them try to start things up again. I came downstairs, announced the plan ( my midwives had already suggested it an hour before) and called a couple hospitals trying to explain what was going on, and hoping someone could point me in the direction of a doctor that wouldn't stick me straight into a c section. Everyone thought I was insane, of course couldn't guarantee anything over the phone, and one hospital almost wanted to send an ambulance. We showed up to corona regional, my mom was to meet us there within the hour. My midwife had called ahead of time so it didn't look like 'midwife dumping.' they wheeled me in, hooked me up to what seemed like a million monitors and ivs, and I had an awful nurse. The doctor came in, I explained everything, and he was willing to do what he could to try for a vaginal birth. I signed the waiver for vacuum assistance (Hayden was vacuum assisted) and waited for my strong pitocin contractions to come. All of a sudden, the nurse starts yelling at me "Youre having a huge d-cell! Omg see, you need a c section, I can't believe this" and throws an oxygen mask on me, and calls the doctor in. I looked at Andrew and i rolled onto my left side. Position change worked right away. The decell was 85. I expected a lower number because of how freaked she was. I told her when she came back in, that a little decelleration during contractions is normal, and position change (they had me flat on my back of course) would help. She was mad that I was telling her how to do her job. The doctor comes in, looks at the decells, and wasn't extremely worried because it's "normal" sometimes. Hah!
I never ended up getting those big painful pitocin contractions. They had to inform me of the contractions, because they weren't strong enough to feel, and pushing and two attempts of the vacuum didn't work. Nixon never came down from a +2 station. The doctor turned the light off, told me I needed a c section, and mumbled something about lunch in 30 min. I started crying so hard and I looked over at my husband and I've never seen him look that scared. He just grabbed my hand, the doctor tried to comfort me by asking what I was scared of and telling me that they would be sending me to pre op prep in 5 min. My mom didn't say a word the whole time. I don't think she could without falling apart. The crappy nurse says something about c sections being way safer than vaginal delivery in the first place, and how she's had 4 of them. How comforting...

I went in, received my spinal from the nicest person I had met so far, they laid me down, brought Andrew in, I begged him to stay on the same side of the drape and not look, and I immediately went into full panic mode and started to shake badly. They gave me something in my iv to calm me down as they were pulling the baby out. When they brought him over to me, I couldn't even move my head to look at him for the first time. I was so drugged up, I couldn't look at my baby. The next thing I knew, we were in recovery, Andrew was holding Nixon, and 2 nurses and the anestesiologist were sitting quietly on computers. It was over, he was here and perfect, but I spent the next two hours crying hysterically. I've never been so traumatized, I felt bad for Nixon for having to have such a traumatic birth, and I wanted to see my mom but they said I couldn't for a couple hours. In the end, One thing kept me from completely losing it. His name is:

Nixon John Timothy Jansen
6lbs. 13 oz.
18 inches long

.......................

Burst of energy today. Everyone predicted labor... I'm like 80% sure that's what's happening now.

Unfortunately, it's been going on since 9pm, it's now 2:44am.. I can't sleep through the contractions because they are so painful. They are 3-4min apart, and hurt like absolute h377.............

I tried everything that always stops my false labors, but I'm pretty sure this is it. Although I said that last time.

I went to bed at 9 because I was annoyed by braxton hicks contrax. Woke up from a dream about really bad period cramps. Then got up to pee and realized they weren't cramps. Then my stomach started acting up, and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom every 5 min for the first half hour.

...................................................................timing contrax on andrew's droid. Droid Doula. (haha)
I hope this isn't the start of some 3 day labor.
I need to get some sleep. Impossible.
Making a labor playlist instead for the ipod.

Refreshing!

Yesterday was a horrible day. I was crying and calling my mom by 7:30am. Hayden was helacioius, Andrew and I had fought the night before because of never seeing him, and I was so unbelievably tired from not getting any sleep. I ended up taking Hay for a walk in the stroller (he refused to walk for some reason) and met a girl that lives in our complex that is a SAHM to a 15 month old. We talked for awhile about how 'not easy' it is to stay home all day alone while your husband works. Then Hay and I came home, and all of a sudden like a brick wall, I felt horrible. I had a headache, my intestines were in knots and I had HORRIBLE diarrhea. It was weird. Since Hayden was ready for a nap, we laid down, and only ended up sleeping for 45 min before he woke up. Then last night, I figured I would try to speed things along. So we DTD, and then I took the dog for a walk around the complex to start up contractions (it always works.) However, it didn't do much, so I went to bed.

I woke up this morning feeling GREAT! Like I'm not even pregnant (besides Nixon moving around) He's not beating up my cervix, I can walk better, breathe better, and I'm really refreshed. Especially for not sleeping very well last night. I was ready to go grocery shopping by 7am, and grabbed a Starbucks. I called my mom and told her how I felt, and she immediately got worried, and said that's what happened to her before she went into labor with me at night, and my sister. Now everyone is saying that, and although it would be nice, I can't see it happening. I just don't get the vibe.

Everything is great so far, besides extreme fits from Hayden (which for some reason I have a newfound patience for) and having to punish the cat by locking her in the bathroom 500 times because she won't stay off the kitchen table or counters.

need. new. schedule.

I don't know how people do it. I'm so frustrated right now. Andrew has to work, but him gone from 5:30am-7pm doesn't work. He get's off at 5pm, but sits in traffic, comes home, goes right to the computer, is tired, we fight Hayden to go to bed, and by that time, both of us are exhausted, and need to go to bed ourselves. Also, I'm stressed because whenever the baby comes, he will need to take the day off, and maybe the next day, but everyday he takes off, is -$120 for us, and we need to be able to make rent. So I guess we will have to do the thing we did when Hayden was born, and just have him take THAT day off, and go right back to work the next day, and I'll have no help. It's better than having no place to live.

I can't wait until my schedule is different. I'm horrible when I'm pregnant. I would rather have the kind of fatigue you get from a non-sleeping, up every two hour baby, than the fatigue and grumpiness from pregnancy.
I just want to be back to 'normal' for Hayden, and not have to tell him that I can't pick him up, and I can't give him horsey rides, and I can't be patient with him because I'm so hormonal.

Also, I like where we live, but I don't have any close friends/family that live nearby that I can hang out with and talk to a lot, I call my mom about 4 times a day because I'm lonely or bored. I hate being alone. Hate it. And I'm alone all day with Hayden, stuck in an apartment, and every time we go somewhere, it's great for both of us, but then he's sick again the next week and we have to miss a bunch of play dates. It's usually from my little sister. I need to get him more vitamins. This is beyond frustrating. Sick 3 times in 2 months.

An update *copied from my pg.org board*

I had a great midwife appointment yesterday. My mom got to meet her for the first time. It was actually the first time she has ever been in the presence of a midwife and got to see how they do things. She was blown away. She couldn't believe how much amazing information she had, and how involved she let's family be in everything.

About a week ago, I had a major 'practice' labor. DH and I dtd, and BOOM! out of nowhere, I was having really strong contractions. They were painful, just like the labor ones I remember (right before I got my epidural with DS.) Nothing I couldn't handle with breathing and changing positions. I took a bath, got a couple things together 'just in case' contacted my midwife, and tried to sleep. They ended up going away at 4am. It turns out those 7.5 hours of contractions did something, because yesterday when checking the position of the baby, my midwife Lisa said she couldn't seem to find his head. She thought maybe it was way down there, but couldn't believe that it could have gotten that far in just a week. So she asked if I wanted her to check vaginally (which they don't normally do, they are pretty non-invasive) and I begged. I wanted to know if I had progressed on my own this time. Sure enough, she barely got in there before her eyes got big and she said 'oh wow.. his head is RIGHT there, your cervix is SUPER soft and so paper thin that I can feel the suture marks!" and then of course I begged for her to see if I was dilated (another thing they don't normally do unless you beg haha) and she again was a little surprised. 3-4 cm!

I'm happy that my body is doing it on it's own, as it's ready. Even though it's 3 weeks early, it's nice to know what it feels like to not have to be induced.

I'm home birth 'legal' now at 37 weeks. I'm excited, and I hope this means labor won't take as long, but who knows!

DH and I dtd again last night, and I had some of the same contractions and cramping, but it wasn't an explosive reaction like last time. I was able to sleep through it all.

Set up!

No baby yet! He's played tricks a few times on me now, and I thought I just wanted it to be over, and have him come, but now that I've been thinking about timing. It wouldn't be ideal anytime soon. I have a photoshoot on the 20th, Hayden is sick right now, and I don't want the baby born into a house full of germs, AND, I really don't want to miss Black Friday shopping with my mom this year. I wouldn't bring a newborn into a crowd of people, so I say, he can come when I get home after being on my feet all day.


Everything is set up. I'm going to take pictures today of the bedroom and diaper stash so far. I just need to wait for the birth pool my mom ordered, but if it doesn't show, I won't be too disappointed. If all else fails, I can have him in my tub. It's very small, but it's better than nothing! The last piece of the birth kit (umbilical scissors) came yesterday. I have a midwife appointment today with the student midwife. I really like her, but she's a bit too 'spiritual' for me at times. She talks to Nixon a lot, and asks him questions, and it get's really quiet.. and she says he answers back... cough.. :) She also mentioned that she thinks Hayden freaks out during prenatals and won't let anyone touch my belly, because he had a bad birth experience and has birth trauma. She told me to talk to him and ask him if he remembers anything. I change the subject quickly when she brings that up, because it makes me really upset and I'm sensitive about that. I'm already sad that I didn't go through with the home birth, and I didn't research enough. So that conversation just makes me feel extremely guilty. Other than that, her and the main midwife are AMAZING. They know so much, agree with me on so much, and make things so comfortable for me.

is this it??? 36 weeks, 3 days

1:05am...



Just texted the midwife. Contractions since 8:30pm. No epson salt bath helped, sleep on left side didn't help, and my uterus barely relaxes when the contraction dies down. She suggested dehydration. No way, I drink all day long and pee about every 20-30 minutes. She suggested sleeping. I just left the bedroom because I would fall asleep and get woken up immediately from the pain. Andrew missed work yesterday so he can help me with a sick Hayden, and I don't want him to miss work today too. He has to be up at 5:30. I think I'm just going to send him, and if he has to come back, he's not that far away.

I wish something else besides contractions would happen, or they would go away. I have NO idea if this is real labor. I would think by now my water would have broken, or my mucus plug would come out.. or something other than pain. Right now they only last about 30 seconds and they are anywhere from 2-4 min apart. The fact that they aren't getting stronger, and they aren't longer than that, means I'm not in active labor, but who knows if it will go into active labor, or go away and be a 'false' labor. I'm so tired.. I'm going to try and sleep again.. this time on the couch.

Thanks to do and Thanksgiving #1

I ordered my birth kit today. I hope it gets here on time and doesn't get sent to the postal annex due to the laziness of our mail carrier, like all the baby shower gifts.
I still have some things to get from the dollar store that would be cheaper than online like:

-A bottle of witch hazel
-A bottle of rubbing alcohol
-2 plastic shower curtains (to protect the mattress)
- A painters tarp (to protect the carpet from the birth pool)
-Heavy duty, heavy flow pads
-2-3 paper bags
-Freezer bag
-Plastic bowl
-2 rolls paper towels
-straws
-cold packs
-vitamin water
-snacks

I also need to:

-Pick up the boppy and bouncy seat from my mom's house and clean them
-figure out how to make a turkey for Friday night. We are having a little Thanksgiving so we can have our own leftovers since we already have the turkey and food.

Mmmmmmm

>.< extremely stressed.

I'm suddenly completely panicking and stressed. Money is not my favorite thing right now. My unemployment is getting cut off in December, Andrew never knows when the next week he will be working is, his parents attacked us last night about money and finances and how much debt we are in with them, and now I'm stressing at the money we are trying to come up with for the rest of the birth. We need $100 for the first deposit for the midwives, and I found out today I have to buy a $74 birth kit from a website, and HOPE it gets here in time for the birth, and I also have to have some plastic painters sheets, a new hose for filling up the birth pool, and some adapter for the sink so a hose can be fitted to it. I also need to pay off my diapers from a friend who made them for me, pay utilities, and get the house in order for birth and the holidays. And add getting the infant car seat base from my mom, and the cover and padding washed, and set up in my car and a 'just in case' emergency hospital bag packed for me and Nixon. Then I have Christmas shopping as well right after all that. Meanwhile, Hayden is sick again and I'm exhausted. I need to keep my stress level down so I don't cause an issue for myself with blood pressure.

And... we are still waiting on a $350 check from my birthing scholarship to make it's way to my midwives to go towards the payment. Project CABO, you are slow.

'Decor-eesh-huns'

Hayden and I took the Christmas decorations down today. I figured it would give us something to do, and it always puts me in a good mood. So I shut the blinds to block out the summer looking weather, blasted the air conditioner, (It's in the high 90s) put a few drops of 'winter garland' oil in the oil burner, and we opened the box. We have...5 decorations, not including our three stockings. Haha!!!!!!!

So this year, I need to remind myself that we are going to Target and getting a few decorations the day after Christmas from the clearance section to add to our collection.

_____________________________________

Hayden is being a complete monster. I'm so sick of the screaming. I was ready to bang my head against the wall and lock myself in the bathroom by 9am. Frustrating. We did enjoy a nice (but hot) walk this morning around Menifee Lake with Cheryl and Callan, and Sarah and her baby Luca. Hayden was in the jogger and seemed so relaxed, that he fell asleep for most of the walk.

Good day so far today. Play date at our house. Homemade salsa (that I'm hoping the onion taste will mellow out over time but I'm not counting on it.)

Played blocks and puzzles. Trying to figure out what we want for dinner that contains ground beef because we are sick of chicken.

Tomorrow I babysit Trent. Saturday is a birthday party. Sunday, Andrew is filming a wedding.

Starting over?

We joined an Attached Parenting meetup group when we first moved to Menifee to keep myself and Hayden busy. We have met a lot of great mom's and kids. I took Hayden to a play date at Eme, Leo, and Sully's house today. It was the first time he has gotten to go out and play with kids since we recovered from being sick. It was rough. It's like he had to learn to be social all over again with other kids. He was pulling hair and didn't want to share, and ended up sitting on the couch taking a 'break' many times. I hope I get to do more things with him this week so we can work on that again.


Glee is really good tonight, even though I've never been a religious person. It wasn't overbearing, and I loved the music.



My baking sweet potato smells like candy, and I want it to just be done already.

31 weeks, 2 days

Haven't updated in awhile. Everything has been going pretty well since I have been taking a bunch of new vitamins/supplements on top of my regular prenatal. Nixon is very active, and really down low in the birth canal. He get's hiccups like 3454958 times a day, and seems to like to hang out on the right side of my abdomen, which isn't the most comfortable thing.


Hayden is doing really well. After countless nights of not sleeping, we decided to get the other queen bed from my mom's house, throw two of them on the floor pushed up against each other, and do one large family bed. I love it. He loves it, and Andrew seems to like it, although, I won't sleep with him on the squishy one. He has to come on the firmer one if he wants to be next to me. We are planning on having him and Hay on one, and Nixon and I on the other one when he shows up.




Also, Hayden has been fully potty trained for a couple months. He does great. He just tells us he has to 'Pee-potty' and if there is 'poo in there' or not hahah. I'm so proud of him. I wasn't expecting him to be potty trained before Nixon came. I figured boys were much harder and took their time.

21 weeks, 2 days

I'm halfway through my pregnancy now. I'm beyond excited. I just want to take all of the newborn clothes out of the space bags and wash them again and fold them into Nixon's dresser, and set up the co sleeper, and go buy a swing. I can wait though. My main priority is following Hayden's que's to come up with some sort of a routine for him. I decided that he needs to go to bed earlier. He's been going to bed at 9:45/10pm, and it's hard to get him to settle down. We used to have a great routine, until all of the moving stuff started. So we have been having dinner about 5:30/6pm, then going for a walk, or depending on how breezy it is, a night time swim, and then coming home, taking a warm bath, trying to read some books, and then laying in bed in the dark with a lullaby cd on. It worked really well last night, but he's been getting up and sleep walking/talking a lot lately. This week, he has asked for 'toothpaste,' 'to blow bubbles,' and last night he burst through his door into our room, draped in blankies, and headed for the living room to 'play with toys.' He didn't get very far, and collapsed on the floor and fell asleep. He ended up sleeping in the bed with me, and Andrew went to his spot on the couch, where he's found himself a lot lately because of Hayden, or my back killing me.

I'm hoping bedtime gets easier and easier, so that things with go smoothly when Nixon does decided to arrive.

Breastfeeding

I was chatting with a friend the other day via text, (haha) and she was asking about WIC, and what kind of formula I would be using this time around for Nixon. I told her that I would be exclusively breastfeeding. She immediately sent me a line of 12 text messages saying things like 'haven't you heard of that study they did where they proved formula fed babies are way smarter than breastfed babies?!' and went on to tell me that 'what happens is, the babies don't get enough nutrients if the mom doesn't it perfectly and take in all of the vitamins and proteins for the breast milk and they end up getting ear infections and they are sick all the time.' She then told me straight up that since I couldn't do it last time, I should just go straight to formula so that Nixon would be extra healthy, and I wouldn't have to work so hard.

It's not that I COULDN'T last time. It's that I was STUPID. I explained to her that I have never regretted anything more in my life than not continuing breastfeeding. I was extremely jealous of all of my friends, and I have now consumed myself with every bit of information and resource that I can, so I can successfully accomplish it this time.

After all, there is NO such thing as formula, the ONLY way to feed your baby is by breastfeeding.

I'm going to a breastfeeding class today for WIC, and then Saturday I'm meeting with the Attached Parenting playgroup they have locally. The leader is the head of LLL for our area and they hold regular breastfeeding workshops and meetings. I feel very thankful to have all of these resources around me!

17 weeks 6 days

I haven't been on in awhile. I'm having a really really hard time right now. Hayden has been very two year old-ish lately, and I don't have the energy for it. I can't wait for the moment my husband walks in the door, but he absolutely doesn't get it at all. He is grumpy when he get's home, and the first thing he wants to do, is sit at his computer. I can understand wanting to unwind a bit after getting up at 5:30am, working all day, and then driving the hour home. However, I can't get him to realize that I desperately need a break, or at least for him to step in and take over the responsibility 50/50 with me. We fight about it constantly. He hardly plays with Hayden anymore, and thinks that it's (and I quote) "your job as a SAHM, so you shouldn't need a break." I'm not ever asking for a vacation and to leave Hayden with him for a week by himself, but for us to come down with some sort of routine because that excuse is total BS. I also noticed that I am the one who does almost all of the potty training work, he will dump his toilet after I tell him to, but never right away, which ends in me having to dump it so Hayden won't pick it up and carry it around, sloshing pee everywhere. He won't do his hair, or brush his teeth because it's 'too complicated' and when we go out, that leaves me to doing everything for hayden, and then not having time to get myself ready.

Along with 100 other things going on right now, that tops it and and I'm so drained. Will update more later.

12 weeks, 2 days

Again, I'm very thankful to have gotten this far in my pregnancy.
I feel pretty good. Besides wishing I could detach my bbs and hang them up whenever they get too heavy or hurt too much, my symptoms have become pretty mild. I just had an appt with my midwife the other day..and here's a funny story:

She came and did a vaginal culture to see what's going on, and if I have a yeast infection. After she finished, we walked back to the livingroom, and she asked if I had any ice so she can put some in the biohazard bags to keep the cultures cold until she got to the lab. I didn't have any, so her and I were rummaging through the freezer looking for something we can use. I was hoping to find an icepack..but nothing. Finally, I asked her if she could use this, and held up an individually packaged garden burger. We both were hysterically laughing, and she put it in there. I hope she dropped it off that way. They probably gave her the funniest looks.

She did a heartbeat check to see if we could finally hear. There was lots of movement and we would get like 5 seconds of a heartbeat before the baby would move away from the doppler. My uterus felt like a 12 week uterus, and all seems well. I'm just really really nervous to get my culture, and my bloodwork and urine back. Idk why. I just don't want to find any surprises. I'm hoping everything is good and I'm healthy.

10 weeks, 3 days

Pregnancy and Baby: Madame Zaritska predicts your birth experience
pregnancyandbaby.sheknows.com
Our virtual clairvoyant, wants to help you prepare. Find out more in the 'Madame Zaritska predicts your birth experience' article in the Pregnancy_other section at Pregnancy & Baby




The day you deliver, outside will be hazy. Your baby will arrive in the early afternoon.

After a labor lasting approximately 8 hours, your child, a boy, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 6 pounds, 9 ounces, and will be 21 -1/2 inches long. This child will have dark amber eyes and some blonde hair.


This is about the 50th boy prediction I've gotten.

I wish I could get Andrew to like the name 'Milo.' I'm not sure why, but it's literally the only name that sounds right to me. Although, I do still like Weston.

10 weeks

tomorrow I am 10 weeks. I'm so blessed to have made it this far. It is also my first official midwife appointment. She will be at our house at noon. I'm excited but also nervous about hearing the heartbeat for the first time.

I have had some bad acid stomach and heartburn the last couple of nights. its been making me feel really yucky, and i couldn't sleep much last night. I'm hoping tonight will be better.

Today was mothers day. I had a great day. Andrew was so amazing and sweet. He helped with Hay and helped clean up and serve the mothers. I also got a new car today.

8 weeks, 5 days

everything is going well right now.

We worked on names.
we've come down to three for a boy:

Kamden, Nolan, or Ashton

and then of course we always have our one girls name that we probably will never get to use.

we took Caelins old crib that we were using for Haydens toddler bed to target today for a refund. We got $150 on a gift card back. it was nice. We are going to get Hay another toddler bed for his bday eventually, but for now because of his broken door, he's in the pack n play. We bought him two pairs of shoes, we all got stainless steel water bottles, and some food

7 weeks, 1 day

Well, I made it to 7 weeks. Again, I am thankful.

I seem to be battling high blood sugar lately. After a dizzy and shaky spell the other day, my dad tested my blood glucose level and it was higher than his! 166! We didn't believe it at first, so we tried again... 188! So now I have been staying away from sugars and just carbs. Yesterday, my fasting level was 100. It's supposed to be 95 and below. Today, it was 97. Went down a little. I'm trying to pair all of my carbs and sugars with a protein to even things out. I'm working on the Brewer diet as best as I can. My goal is to take one day at a time with controlling my sugars, so I get to have the birth that I want, and not to be induced at 37 weeks like my mom was and have an emaciated looking baby. Poor Caelin. I'm terrified. What if it doesn't go away, and I'm like this afterwards? My dad is diabetic. He can hardly have anything. I would hate to be. I'm so used to sugar. I crave sweets all the time, and I loathe artificial sweeteners. I would be a horrible diabetic.



On another note, I can't sleep worth crap. We have a huge dip on each of our sides. Both were from Andrew before the mattress got flipped and turned. He's a big guy, but seriously, I'm ready to kick him out of the bed so I can have the little hump in the middle of the bed. The only part that is comfortable. It kills my lower back, hips, and shoulders. I thought it would be tough sleeping once I got big in my pregnancy, but this is ridiculous!


Hayden has been sleeping better in his room. Of course, it's in his pack n play because his doorknob broke (thanks to my sister) and he escapes when we let him sleep in his toddler bed. He sleeps from 9:30-7/8am. No more night terrors. Well, not any lately. I'm so glad we've gotten a break from them. It had been like 3 weeks straight of no sleep for either of us.

Andrew is doing well in his new job, but there is a break in the show schedule, so he is off for 2 1/2 weeks. He doesnt get paid as much, but we will still be okay. Come mid may, the pay will get increased and we will be doing really well, and we will be able to pay all of our bills each month. It is kind of nice having him home for this long.

This last week, I was pretty sick. No appetite, and I would get waves of really bad nausea and I even had to leave Red Robin early the day my mom and I went to the beach because the smell of all the food was overwhelming. I now remember why we never went out to dinner when I was pregnant. We always had to leave because of some aversion or bad smell.

It seems to have gotten a little better the last few days, but I still can smell the trashcan from across the house, and everything smells like fish. Every glass I drink out of, when I drink milk, when I eat eggs, they all smell like fish. Not sure why..

All in all, things are pretty good!

Sigh.

Okay, I'm just going to say it because nobody else does.

Being a SAHM is HARD. Harder than I ever ever thought. I'm home all day, everyday, with NO car, and I can't bring him in the backyard. This totally has to change. I can't keep him cooped up in the house all day with no sunshine and no running around and I can't do it either. We have to work something out with the car. I would take Andrew to work, but he works too far away. I need to be able to get out and take him to the park and go have play dates at OTHER people's houses. The same thing everyday is causing me to be depressed, and when Hayden acts out, I get frustrated and yell at him, and I don't want to do that. At least when I worked, and Hayden was in daycare, I would get to come home and I felt like I enjoyed him more. Even the naughty things. How horrible does that sound.. I feel like a bad parent for saying that, but I know it can happen, and I know I'm not the only one. I wish our neighborhood was halfway decent so I could walk around. It's not at al though. I also live right by a very busy street and that's the only way I can get anywhere if I walked. There are about 3 markers with flowers where someone has gotten hit either being a pedestrian or on a bike. Screw that.

Stop spitting Hayden. You're driving me crazy. I will go against all my beliefs and bob you (softly) on the mouth if you don't stop. It's gross, messy, and not attractive.

6 weeks, 1 day

Starting the Brewer diet tomorrow. It's a crap ton of food to take in everyday, but I'm sure I can do it. It's better than being hungry all day and then eating random things. I'll keep track of it on here as well as my other pregnancy stuff. I'm doing it in hopes of not being anywhere near gestational diabetic this time, as well as not having any high blood pressure. The blood pressure thing will be hard for me. I can't keep calm. The littlest thing works me up and my chest gets tight, and I either cry or my pulse starts pounding in my head. I need to get a portable blood pressure cuff. I hope Coley checks that at every appt. I just need to CALM down and stop stressing about everything. It's just not as easy as everyone says. With rent being late, and then Andrew's 1st paycheck not going through because they forgot to sign it, and then having fees taken out of our bank for it, it's just a mess. Seriously, I wish things would settle down in the finance department. I would be able to relax more.

So it looks like my 1st appt. with Coley, my midwife will be on May 10th. It's Andrew's day off, so he will get to meet her.

My eyes and body are tired, but my mind is not. I hope for no insomnia tonight. I should drink some Chamomile.

5 weeks 6 days

Hung out with my mom today. garage sale round two. It didn't go as well as planned, but we got some laughs. It seems like ever time we have a garage sale at her house, someone's car breaks down in front. Haha.

Andrew is being extra irrational and touchy tonight. Maybe he's the one who's really pregnant?

Had my blog stuck on private for awhile and I just figured out what happened.

I'm hoping to get hayden down at a decent time tonight and get a massage from Andrew.

5 weeks, 5 days :/

Okay, so apparently, if I go by my ovulation date, my due date changes to December 6th, and I'm not 6 weeks yet. I'm 5 weeks, 5 days today. Sigh.

I find it totally weird how my best friend became pregnant and just totally ditches me. I have been nothing but supportive while she talked about her charts and her temps while ttc. I could tell she was totally getting discouraged and was upset. When she finally got pregnant I was so excited for her, and that's when I felt it was safe to TTC since I wouldn't hurt her feelings by possible getting pregnant first since I kind of have a track record of getting pregnant pretty fast. I noticed she was blowing me off when I was asking questions about ovulation and such, and when I got pregnant, she signs offline in the middle of conversations, kind of seems like she has a superior attitude, and doesn't really seem like she wants anything to do with me. It's frustrating because we hung out and talked almost everyday before that, and I was really excited to be pregnant together since we have so much in common with cloth diapering, and the business, and knitting, and dyeing yarn. I'm bummed. I hope she comes around soon. :/


On another note, we had a garage sale this morning. Nicole and I. It was freezing, so we bundled up the boys and chased the around the yard. We didn't sell much, which kind of sucks, but I'm going to try again tomorrow at my mom's since she lives on the corner and we have always had great success with garage sales.

Andrew is getting off work late tonight, and is just meeting me here at my mom's house. I have been hanging out here all day, because she has better food than we do. Sad. Haha. My stepdad is camping, so it's nice to not have his douche-box-ness vibe fogging up the house. Hayden and I took a bath in her nice big bath tub and talked about bubbles, and candles, and washing of hair. I pictured giving birth in her tub. I really hope I get to do it and I don't get ruled out for any reason. I pictured lots of candles around, warm water, and a bowl of fruit salad.

6 weeks.

Basically this will be my pregnancy journal. I haven't bought one yet for baby v.2 so for now this will have to do.

I met with the midwife yesterday. She came over for my consultation. I totally love her. She's pregnant too. Due Mid September. I'm really excited to have a home birth. After talking to my mom last night and telling her all about Coley and how my birth will be, she asked if I would like to have it at her house. She's about 10 min away from me, and she has a nice tub, two guest rooms, and she wants to be able to help the whole time and make sure Me, Andrew, & Coley are all being fed meals. She also wants to make it as comfortable as possible for Coley to feed her baby when her husband brings him by if my labor is really really long. Andrew and I think it's a great idea. My mom's house is bigger, and I won't have to worry about cleaning the whole time because of my dad. I will just make sure the house is spotless before I go, and then send someone over to make sure I have a spotless house to come home to.


Today, I am 6 weeks. My left bb is KILLING me. The right one, I feel nothing. I have absolutely NO morning sickness. Usually the afternoon/evening is when I feel kinda bleh if at all. I don't have any cramping anymore. And I have random diarrhea. Pregnancy is totally strange. So far, it's mimicking mine with Hayden besides the lack of bb soreness.

You cannot have it all.

If you choose to have 5 or more kids and be a SAHM, your husband will HAVE to work to support you and your family. Get off his back about not being home on time to help you give your baby a bath.

uterus

Dear uterus,

I can feel you. I'm very aware of your presence today. Maybe it was all the walking today? Please behave. 5 weeks and 4 days today. I think ill be late.. so I'm going to say you have about 37 weeks left to go. Good job so far.



Tonight, I was able to change a poppy diaper and put pants back on all while Hay slept through it. I win.

After tonights intense craving for salsa and a virgin lime margarita, ill be sleeping with a glass of milk and sitting propped up. Major acid/heartburn coming my way.

We had a pretty great weekend. Easter

We had a pretty great weekend.
Toddler egg hunt on Saturday,Nicole, Justin, & Cale, Katie & Cody, Ashton & Trent, and Lauren, Edwin, and Lennon came. My mom and I had a punch bowl of watered down Apple juice, organic animal cookies, Orange slices, pb&j sandwiches and chips and guacamole for the kids. Sandwiches and mimosas for everyone that wasn't pregnant, (which was everyone but me) bubbles, coloring, playdough and of course the egg hunt. I filled the eggs with cheerios, fruit snacks, animal cookies, stickers, and temporary tattoos. The kids seemed to love it and I got tons of cute pics. My moms backyard is perfect for stuff like that. She has a swing, a sand box, a few ride on toys and a nice big lawn.

Then we went to Andrews parents house so Hayden would be able to open his basket from them. I just wanted to tell them about being pregnant and get it over with because its stressing me out that someone from my family will say something on Facebook. We couldn't do it though. It seems like she always brings something up about us waiting 5 years for another baby. We don't want to wait that long. its not her choice. So that night, we came home and I wrote her a really nice email and told her basically that we are happy, we want everyone else to be happy, we don't want anyone to be disappointed or upset. This is supposed to be something happy. I don't want it to be negative like how they treated my pregnancy with Hayden. She hasn't written back but I know she has read it. we haven't gotten a call, and I'm not sure why she needs time, but apparently she does. I just don't need the stress so if she's going to be horrible, she can keep it to herself.

Meanwhile, I'm up at 2:30 am because my stomach is all screwed up. I'm hoping it was something we ate. Hayden and I both had pizza before bed. Mine is all lower intestinal and very painful and annoying, and Hayden threw up all over his pack in play when we first put him down. I want it to go away because I'm tired and this is the first night I don't feel like I have insomnia.

I am so incredibly tired. Every day from like 10am to 1, I can hardly function. This really sucks with a toddler who just wants to go go go. I might have to hire my sister to let me take a nap today. Is that cheating though?? I'm hoping this is just the first trimester.

bathroom

Today, my baby is the size of a poppy seed.
We paid the water bill, why hasn't the water been turned on yet? I must get to wait the maximum time of 5:30 because I spat rudeness right back to the lady after she spat it to me.

I would love a hot bath.
I miss my husband.
My son is adorable.
The battle of baby names has started. We have a girls name picked out, but I'm going to say we are guaranteed a boy. I just have a feeling, and the chinese lunar calendar says so.. however, we still aren't even close to a boys name. Andrew will only give me one name that he wants and is so stubborn about: Jude Paul Jansen. Uh no. I liked it at first, but now it reminds me of 'Dude.' The only other names he has given me are Maximus and Manchester..oh and Carlos...sigh.



I would love to be able to use the bathroom. Hurry up water company. I paid you a rediculous amount of money 6 hours ago.

I love how our water can be shut off, rent could be late, tons of stressful and bad things can be happening, but my baby just walks around with his toys and plays and has not a clue what is going on. He is so carefree. I love him so much. I think I'll just try and spend the day playing with him, and maybe 5 will come a lot sooner...I hope.

I have felt overheated all day. I finally went to turn on the air when the thermostat said 82, and it's making a loud screeching sound and sounds like it might blow up. Scary. Andrew is out looking at it, but I don't think we will get far. Time to break out the kiddy pool.

BTW. I hate when people said 'Woot Woot'

Time for sleep

Feeling rather insomniac-ish.

It's 5am. I'm surprised I was able to stay in bed that long. I just keep tossing and turning. It has to be hormones. I'm having a hard time with Hayden right now. His night time sleeping pattern is really frustrating. If he isn't have a night terror, which is almost every night, then he will just scream and arch his back and reach out and hit or pull whichever is closest, which this morning was a chunk of my hair. It's the most obnoxious and foul sounding growl/scream. I feel bad for him. He needs to sleep. Since we started the chamomile before bed, he has been sleeping from the time we put him down, to about 4/5 am, wakes up freaking out, and then usually goes back down within the hour until about 8. That's better than before, but I could definitely do without the sudden outburst that sends me into full panic mode.

I can't stop thinking about telling Andrew's parents. His mom and I have been getting along so well because we have been honest with them and I've opened up a little more. They are going to be so disappointed that we are pregnant again. There is no way I can tell her that we were trying. First of all, she thinks that nobody should have children this close in age. 5 years apart is ideal apparently. Which I don't think is true. Second, she thinks just because we are in debt with student loans and credit cards and still getting back on our feet from Andrew not having a job, that we should have a baby any time soon. I understand that is isn't their choice and they need to just accept whatever we want, but the more we have accepted their help, the more we look like we can't handle life I guess and shouldn't be continuing our family. I wish we would have never had to ask for their help but things got really bad while Andrew was out of work.


I can hear Hayden screaming in the room. If Andrew doesn't get him, I hope he just settles down.


I feel a little blah. I guess its nice to have another symptom besides cramping all day. Makes me feel more optimistic.

First time!

Is it possible to have a clogged milk duct after being dry of milk for almost 21 months? I have a pain in my breast on the left side, its a little swollen but no little knots or lumps. It's been going on since before I ovulated and I thought it was just from AF but since it continued to hurt and then the other one did as well, I thought I would take an early pregnancy test to check. I didn't think anything would show up since I am not due for AF until April 1st so technically I'm only 11 days past ovulation maybe 12. My OPK was positive on the 14th but I my 'My days' calculator predicted the 15th. My friend didn't get her BFP until she was 4 days late. So anyways...




It was faint at first but then you could really see a pink line. Then I was totally not believing it and thinking something has to be wrong with the Dollar Store tests, so I took another one like 5 hours later and it was the same thing. So tomorrow, I'm going to use my first morning urine to take another and then I'll go buy a refill of my prenatals and contemplate how I'm going to come up with a large sum of $450 for my first midwife appt. I want to meet with my midwife first.



In other news, Hayden seems to be feeling a bit better, there is an overwhelming smell of campfire seeping into our bedroom window that is making me mad, and I am trying not to be too excited because I'm gunshy. We definitely aren't telling Andrew's parents and everyone else until I'm 12 weeks.

Tomorrow WILL be better.

Apparently it wasn't a good night to make soap. The powers at be were against me. List of events in order:

1) Added coffee to lye and huge fountain explosion happened. Caustic lye shot all over my arm and all over our stove into the burners and on our floor.

2.) Started over.. and Hayden wakes up with a night terror. Andrew cleaned up, while I turned my oils on low and took Hay for a drive around the block to calm down.

3.) Came back, Hay is stuffed up so he doesn't want to sleep. Andrew took him in the room and put on Toy Story and is laying with him. I'm hoping it's just allergies and not the flu hitting hard all of a sudden.

4.) Added the coffee to the lye with success, started blending them together, it traced nicely, and then I noticed the oils and liquid started to seperate and heard a weird noise with my hand blender... It had melted with the heat and was warped a little.

5.) Soap then decides to start expanding and boiling over and spilling out of the crock pot. Now I have it turned off, and it's cooling. I added the grounds, and it looks nice... I just hope it sets nice.. it doesn't look promising. I just poured it into the mold (which is a large cardboard box) and was thinking to myself.. 'what's next??' and I guessed the wax paper would melt and it would seep through the box. I was correct. This is frustrating.

I'm very very tired, my baby is miserable and is crying in the room with Andrew because he can't breathe, and my soap is possibly ruined. And to top that off, I'm still recovering from the stomach flu that snuck up on me this morning at the Radiologist office..

Tomorrow will be better.

Food log -in process

Hayden's food log:

Saturday March 20th, 2010

Breakfast:

Blueberry Yogurt
Peanut Butter & Grape Jelly Sandwich
Sippy of half Mongo Mango juice/half water (mango puree,white grape juice concentrate, cane sugar, filtered water, Vitamin C)


Lunch:

Turkey & Provalone sandwich with tiny bit of mayo and a tiny squirt of mustard on white bread
Mandarin orange
Veggie Thins crackers (2 tiny ones)

Snack: Mini peperoni and cheese pizza

Dinner: Borscht (Tomatoes, beets, carrots, vegetable broth, cabbage, garlic salt,
Mandarin orange


Sunday March 21st 2010 (Rash is red and all over from face to top of thighs)
Breakfast:

Pomegranate Blueberry Yogurt
Mandarin Orange

Lunch:
Borscht
Apple Cherry juice 1/4 juice/water

Snack:
Mandarin orange

Dinner:
Lasagna
Garlic french bread
fruit snack

mandarin orange


Monday, March 22nd (Rash looks like it's going away. No red color, just bumps)

Breakfast:
5oz. milk
A few bites of honey nut cheerios
Key Lime Pie yogurt
Mandarin orange
Apple cherry juice watered down

Lunch:
Mini corn dogs
Apple cherry juice watered down

5oz. milk

Snack:
Mandarin orange
1/2 cinnamon poptart

Dinner:
Mac n cheese & ground beef
Water

yessssssss.

I always think of things I want to write on here about, but I'm too lazy or busy with other things to actually take the time to get on here as often as I think of things.

Summary:
Andrew got a job. He will be filming professional horse shows. (AHAHAHA) It's a good paying job though, and it's going to look good on his resume since it's in the field he is/was going to school for. I'm so relieved/happy/excited/scared/stress free now.

Ovulation tracking/TTC has officially started up again.

The car had a flat tire, it was fixed

Fun plans for this weekend

Hayden might have asthma. I'm hoping the xrays show nothing, and the chronic night time cough/gag/puke fest will end soon with the albuterol syryp. I also don't want to have to give him the albuterol syryp all the time.

...I'm listening to him stir/toss and turn right now over the monitor....

Tomorrow, I was supposed to go to a birth fair/cloth diaper show thing with a fun kids band and toddler yoga and raffles and fun stuff with my best friend, but she doesn't want to go anymore, so I'm dragging Andrew with me and we are going to the Brewery afterwards. I'll have rootbeer. Hay can have chocolate milk. Andrew can have beer.

Please pray nothing will go wrong with the car tomorrow and we will get their safety and back.


Goodnight.

What went wrong??!

asdjfklsdjflksdjfkjd


Okay, so I'm following the Aubrey DoodlePants knitting pattern for shorties for Hay and I got down to the crotch and used the kitcheners stitch to to that, and something went terribly wrong...


First picture, I have my 40 stitches on my stitch holder and you can see the crotch in the middle and then my circulars on the other side just waiting to be made into a leg.



Next, you can see where I am ready to start my first leg that my circulars are attached to and where I ended my crotch.



So I start knitting, and it's inside out. (Kind of hard to see because I only did a few, but at first I didn't notice and did about 3 rows all the way around before noticing) The little 'v's are on the inside...




and another view of the inside-out-ness... This is taken from the outside of the pants..



and not only that, if I do it this way (which it's obvious I'm doing something wrong) there would be a big gaping hole between the crotch and where I start knitting..




A couple suggested I was pearling and not knitting, but I know for sure I wasn't pearling. I have no idea what I did wrong. I know I did the crotch like the instructional video said so I'm not sure what's going on but I want to finish these shorts for my son.

Tridnight.

A hot bath sounds incredible right now. I hate to admit that at 22 years old, one of the main reasons I want to take a bath is because I want to use my new soap. Am I the only one that feels this way when they get a new body wash? Hah.

Today, after another night of Hayden's tridnight parties, and then early wake up, I decided to get up, and drag Andrew to the park with Hay and I. It was fun, and I love having a photographer with me at all times. We got some great pictures of Hay, but we haven't edited them yet. While we were there, I sat in some fire ants, and since I was wearing a dress, I got bit all over my butt. When I used my hand to brush them off while I danced around in pain, they stuck to my hand and bit me there. Pleasant.

Then, we went to Costco and used some of our tax money to get half the store. We came home with $400 in groceries. It's insane but we needed it badly. Luckily, we have enough to pay off the car as well so we won't have that expense anymore. Just insurance, which we can cut down a little.

Itchy scratchy

Last night, Hayden was itching his head all night. It was so weird. It was causing him to toss and turn and be restless. You could tell he was getting annoyed, and so he sat up in bed scratching and started crying for me. I told him to come to our bed, and he did, and Andrew offered to sleep on the couch. Then he whined and said "I wanna apple." and I of course said 'No baby, it's time for nigh night." So he tried " Wanna or-een" I told him the same thing 'No orange, it's time for nigh night, you can have one in the morning." and after a few more itches, he went right back to sleep. Then this morning I felt his soft spot and it is twice as small as it was week ago! I think it's finally closing. I really hope it does. The doctor won't tell me what they would do if it doesn't close. He just 'guarantees' that it will. I'm not sure how a doctor can guarantee anything, but apparently this one thinks he can.



We WILL be able to pay rent. Andrew put his old snowboard stuff on Craigslist, and it wasn't selling, so he put his iphone up on Ebay :( I feel bad, but I dont at the same time. He got an offer right away and the guy paid and we already shipped it out. And then an hour later, he got an email, from a guy that is going to meet him in an hour to buy his snowboard bindings. So we will have just enough. I'm so thankful. I was getting really stressed out.

exhausted.

There is someone on my facebook friend's list, that has a few kids under the age of two. She seems to be always complaining about being a parent and not having a life. It's driving me crazy, but I don't want to delete her because I feel bad. It's like every other status is talking about how hard the day will be, and has been, and she misses having a life. I think she should maybe get some help for Postpartum depression or something. It could be serious. Either that, or she's just hypersensitive. Being a parent is great. I like my life better now, than I did before Hayden was born.


I'm exhausted.. ....

singers

I told Andrew today that he needs to buckle down and figure a way to pay rent. We have 3 days less this month because of the month ending on the 28th.


I went to Alex's and dyed yarn with her again. I'll post pics soon. It was fun, but she said it didn't really turn out. It's too light.



My sister is an okay singer, but I'm so sick of how cocky she is about it. And she has to sing all the time. It seems like everywhere I go she's singing. She get's really serious about it. Like the other day, we were all in Hayden's room, and we put Disney movie sound tracks on on his ipod, and we were cleaning his room and me, my mom, brynne, and caelin were all singing, and brynne has to stand up and belt it out so that she's louder than everyone and drowns us out. **Annoyed**

I'm sure this is due to my up and coming AF this week.

Listen to megsamomeees Playlist

Last night was pretty much back to normal, besides Hay waking up twice for a bottle. But he was calm, and awake. Not out of it.


My mom just got back from Atlanta last night, and her and Keith went to a meeting for FHTM and dropped Caelin off. The kids have been playing well together so far. I have seen a lot of new behavior with Hayden. He is talking so much. Also, he's singing a lot. He does his best, and it sounds like baby mimicking of the words of the song, but you can tell what he's singing. His favorites are 'Bringing home my baby bumble bee' and 'Lullabye' from Pajanimals. Haha. We downloaded a bunch of music for his ipod today. I have also noticed negative behavior as well. Like when Caelin pulled something away from him today he yelled 'MINNNNNNNE' and scratched her and pulled her hair really hard. I'm sure since he is talking more he will be able to express himself soon without fighting.

Stocked the shop today. I'm not motivated to finish my crocheted wool shorts. I used too small of a needle and it's taking forever and my wrist keeps cracking, but I know as soon as I finish that, I can get onto doing Hayden's longies with the yummy yarn I bought from knitpicks that is just sitting waiting.

February

February has been a weird month, and I can't help but think a little negatively and wonder if the rest of the year is going to be like this month has been. I know there are bad months and good.. maybe I got mine out of the way for the rest of the year. That would be nice. I haven't posted about the fun little things we've done. Here are some pictures to highlight them.

We made pretzels from scratch:


We romped in the mud after a stretch of rainy days:


(yes those are my little sister's pink boots he has on)

We had a nice valentine's day, and I woke up to cute little gifts from my boys:


and my friend Alex and I dyed yarn

Last night...

Last night went like this..


-Hayden down for bed at 9.

-Hayden up at 10:30, found him all sweaty on the floor, put him back in bed, he went right back to sleep.

-Hayden up at 1:40. Started screaming right away and kicking. We watched him for a minute hoping it would stop. It didn't, so I went over and followed what some of the articles said to do (not pick them up, or try to hold them down because it will prolong it.) He started hurting himself, so I brought him on the bed with us and we just watched him and tried saying calming things. And then he kicked me really hard in the stomach and I leaned over and he pulled a huge chunk of my hair and started scratching. Andrew had to literally pry his fingers off of me. I finally couldn't handle it anymore, so I flipped on the light, picked him up and started bouncing with him and we were talking about Spongebob, and waved to his spongebob pillow and we talked about happy things he likes, and asked if he wanted a drink and he snapped out of it really fast. We tried to get him to go back down, but he was wide awake. So we took him to the living room and read him some books, and kept the lights dimmed, hoping he would want to sleep again, but he didn't. So we watched spongebob until 5am while Andrew slept a shift. Then I brought him to bed, and he slept until 8, and then woke up doing the same thing.. (ARRRRRG) and he drank a bottle, fought us a bit, and then went down until 10am. I wouldn't say it was worse, because he wasn't screaming for a straight three hours, and instead we got to cuddle and spend time together, but I think it was longer than the other nights, and we definitely had less sleep.

On another note, I wrote my dad a nasty letter and taped it to the coffee maker. It basically summed up how Andrew and I are feeling about him suddenly 'giving up' and not taking feeding or buying food for his animals, not paying his cell bill, not paying his half of the utilities, spending the paycheck that was supposed to be on his car payment last payday on other crap, so he has to pay it this time and rent has to wait until the 5th. That's BS. We have NO money, and we still are scraping and finding a way to pay rent on time. He should do the same thing. I also wrote to him about how horrible it was that he left my sister at school the other night and never showed up to pick her up, and then IMed me on face book to ask if I could pick her up 40 minutes late because he was too drunk to drive home and he was at his sisters. He's totally letting us down and at this time in our life, with everything going on, we DON'T need that extra stress.


On a more positive note, when Hayden was up last night, I walked away to go to the bathroom and I swore I heard a voice with him. I walked back in and he had called his Gabba (my mom.) She was up because she's in Atlanta right now and they are 3 hours ahead of us. She told me she won her Pat Benatar contest, and received prize money and everyone was coming up to her freaking out because of how good her voice is. I'm glad she won. She deserves it. I miss her and hope she comes home safely tonight.

Jobs and night terrors.

I'm really super stressed out right now. We pretty much have $100 to our name and our rent is due by the 3rd. I applied for food assistance for us temporarily until Andrew get's a job. It said it should take up to 3 days to hear back from them and then we would have to come into a group meeting. I hope it doesn't take too long.

Andrew went to two interviews yesterday for a company. I really hope they call him and offer him a job. The stress is making me physically sick.

Hayden most likely has night terrors. A bunch of people sent me articles on the subject and it seems to fit him perfectly.
Andrew is mad at me for being stressed. He doesn't understand when I cry or am upset because his family never showed any feelings. I don't understand how he can be so compassionate with Hayden, and think I'm being ridiculous.

I'm hoping for a better night.

Catch up.

Dyed yarn last night for the second time. First time, I hand painted with kool aid. It turned out way too pastelly. Last night, Alex and I used Wiltons food coloring gels. Next time, I'll either use koolaid again or try my hand at acid dyeing because Wilton's sucked. The gel didn't dissolve all the way, no matter how hard we tried, and so there were floaty pieces of seperated color and it looks like I smeared crap on parts of it. Gross. I was going for a colorway to match the Ooga Booga spice fabric. FAIL. The green bled into the maroon and the orange was orange at first and now looks hot pink. It's horrible. But I can't wait for it to dry so I can twist it in a hank and see if it is useable or maybe sell it. Maybe someone else would like it!?

Hayden has been really into opening the beer fridge and bringing beer to us. It might be convenient later, but at 7am, nobody wants beer, and I really don't want to clean up a dropped one, so I think we need to figure out some sort of locking mechanism for that and the pantry. He pulled down a container of Raisin Bran twice and threw a few handfuls in the hallway before nicely putting it back.

My mom just called me. She's just landed in Houston from California for a business trip. She had to call me and tell me about her plane ride. She said she started falling asleep, and all of a sudden she heard someone screaming so she woke up and looked at the couple sitting across from her. The wife was convulsing in her seat really bad. The husband pulled her tongue out of her throat because she was choking on it and he was freaking out. Everyone got up and started helping, and there was a doctor on board. The husband told him she just passed out and that it was the second time and that she was pregnant. My mom was mad that he didn't know that it wasn't passing out but it was a seizure. They hooked her up to oxygen and when they finally got off the plane my mom walked up to the husband and let him know that when someone passes out, they don't move, and that his wife in fact had a seizure, and he did the right thing by holding her tongue back. He said they were going to make a doctors appointment right away. That sounds so scary. I would be freaking out and take my wife right to the hospital. Especially if it was the second time. It could be pregnancy induced and she shouldn't be allowed to drive for the safety of herself and others. Idk why stuff like that follows my mom wherever she goes. Lol.

Hay slept horribly last night. We moved his bed in our room because it's extremely disruptive for everyone in the house when Hayden get's up and starts kicking the walls and banging on his door. And it takes him longer to get back to sleep. So the first night in our room, he didn't fall asleep until almost midnight. Then, he was up at 3am but went right back to sleep, and then again at 7am freaking out and jumped in our bed with us and asked for a bottle, and then after fighting for a half an hour, he went back to sleep until 9. Then last night he went to sleep at 10:30, up at 3 for a bottle, and then again at 5am for a bottle. I only gave him one once. The second time, he just fell back asleep. Then he was up again at 7, and now it's almost 10 and he's going strong on an energy rush. I let Andrew sleep in. I'm going for a nap when Hay does, and then I need to get some work done.

I'm hoping my Brambleberry soap supplies come today, and my yarn and prefolds. I love packages. I love trading. Idk what I would do without diaperswappers.com <3

stomach yuck

hay and I both have a stomach bug. he's had it since Friday night and I just got it today. not pleasant. at least I'm not throwing up. (knock on every piece of wood in my house)

what a night?

a screaming,gassy, inconsolable toddler and creepy paranormal activity. I hope tonight is better.

fail.

I was hoping to be posting soon about Andrew getting a full time position but now it looks like I will be posting about them letting him go. He came home early today and I don't know exactly what is going on but its not good. he will know by Monday if he still has a job.

stomach it

so I didn't make it to my. appointment today. You have to pay up front. I can't afford that. its pretty sad when your family doesn't have health coverage, so you go without healthcare. the best the state can give me is some plan where I have to pay everything until it gets to 700. okay... well that's not going to help me with the $60 + office visits and the lab tests they want to run on me.

at least hayden has health coverage.

today, my stomach has been pissed at me for something I ate. but nobody else is sick so maybe its the antibiotics all of a sudden giving me side affects after

kidneys

I finally went to the doctor after 4 months of strange symptoms. they said my white blood cell count in my urine was in the 500s and the count for a normal Uti is 60-70. And proteins in my urine show its probably attacking my kidneys pretty badly. So I'm on keflex and I have an appointment today with the urologist. I need to call at 8 and see if I have to pay up front or if I can get billed. If I have to pay up front then I can't do the appt. I don't have the kind of money to front to see a specialist right now. Andbof course you can't pay with a credit card.

I may be making my friend a stash of cloth diapers today with a bunch of fabric she has. she wants to start potty training so she wants to switch to.cloth for the time being.

Promotion??

Good news on the home front.

When Andrew didn't get the last promotion, my dad felt really bad, and kind of pissed, so he went to the manager and told her about how great he has been, and recommended him for a genius position (which is someone who fixes the computers/iphones.) Then, Sunday when Andrew worked, the manager pulled him aside and told him that he will be placed in Genius training next week, and within 4-6 weeks, two full time Family Room Specialist & Genius positions will be opening up!!! It seems promising!

Changes and decisions.

Dyed some wool yarn for the first time the other night with kool-aid. It didn't turn out as bright as I wanted. In fact, it is VERY pastel-ish. I did a green and blue. I'm going to take back the Dylon dye that I bought by mistake. (Actually, it was Andrew who picked it out. He was going for whatever was cheapest.)

Yesterday, I took advantage of the unoccupied cubbies that we have in the house where the washer and dryer hookups used to be, before they were moved to the garage by the landlord. I moved my rolling cart and some bins, and created a very organized craft corner. Andrew brought in an unoccupied desk that was just sitting in his 'cave' and put it in our dining area. It actually flows quite nicely. We now have access to the kitchen table. What a concept! Before, we all stood and ate, except for a small spot of tabletop cleared just for Hayden for meals.

I had a serious talk with Andrew last night about my 'no circumcising' debate. He told me he didn't really care, and because I did the research, and he didn't 'feel' like looking at the research, he wasn't informed enough to retort. So I explained that I wanted to be on the same page, and I would really like it if he looked at the information instead of basically 'giving up.' He sat and listened to the things I read him, and still said the same thing. He really doesn't care. I know that sounds bad, but after the initial argument about cloth diapering, he realized how great it was, and he didn't care either way about the 'no vaccination' thing at first, but then he realized how healthy, and happy Hayden is. Occasionally he will comment about something vaccination related. Saying he doesn't 'care' isn't right. It's more like, he doesn't really have an opinion. Once he get's the initial hang of it, he thinks its great. He's just not too much of a 'feelings sharer.'

So.. we will be leaving our future un-conceived son intact. If we even have another son. At least I know that it's out of the way. There is no going back. After seeing and reading what I have, I could never change my mind.

We also decided that we would either side car the crib to our bed, or put our mattress on the ground and push a twin up against it to cosleep when the second baby comes. I would really really like to do that now. Just put our mattress on the ground, and put Hayden's mattress up against it so we can all sleep together. I don't think Andrew would go for it though. It just makes me feel better, and it's a lot easier for me to comfort him when he get's up throughout the night. I know I shouldn't complain, but it's hard for me to get up 8 times and go in and rock him and give him a bottle.

I'm still unsure.

Still more strange symptoms for me.

I went to our wic appt today, and I was really nervous and had a huge adrenaline rush from being late, and then walking in to 100 other people in there. I don't like long waits, and I don't like feeling crowded. Both cause intense panic attacks for me. So I took some Nerve Tonic, and distracted myself with my happy spastic son. It wasn't nearly as long as I imagined, and I got in and out of there in an hour. Then I drove to the end of the plaza and redeemed our vouchers. When I got home, I peeled a tangerine and ate it, and had a small cup of milk. About 10 min later I started getting an ache in my jaw, and then noticed my glands below my ears/throat had swelled up, and now my throat feels funny. That whole area keeps twitching now. I'm so sick of my 'gland' problems and them swelling up for no reason. I know I'm not allergic to milk, or tangerines so what gives???! I know stress can cause hives and IBS, and other strange internal/external things for people, so maybe that's my symptom?? If it's not gone by the end of the day, I'll see if my mom can put a doctors visit on her credit card for me, and we will pay her back on payday. I hate to do that, but I don't want to have something life threatening wrong with me and find out it could have been prevented by something. I'm scared. Everyday something new happens, whether it's random blood sugar attacks, or bad headaches. I would like to get everything like that taken care of before we have another baby.

TOTAL TMI. Even for myself. I started feeling nauseated and got a bad headache today. I wondered what was going on. AF doesn't normally make me feel that way. Well... I finally realized I had forgotten about a tampon for 20 HOURS!!!!! I'm so dumb, and now I'm freaking out and watching for a fever to make sure it's not TSS or something weird. I remember why I switched to mama cloth. I hate tampons. I only put one in last night so I could take a bath with Hay. :( Yuck.

On the upside, Hay had a good pediatrician appointment today, but they told him no dairy for a week to see if that's what's causing his cough to linger. So we picked up some soy milk that we will try and substitute for him normal milk intake.

Went to fresh & easy again today. Totally in love with that store. We picked up three medium organic pizzas today for $1.40 each. All because they were 'day old.' So we just toss them in the freezer. That's a snack for Andrew.

Later.

I smell something so incredibly bad in my kitchen. I checked the trash, garbage disposal, fridge, pantry, counters, and even myself (thankfully it's not me) and I can't find the source. I'm really really hoping it's not some sort of dead rodent in the walls. There is one in Hayden's room, but I'm not cutting into the drywall to find it and remove it. Hopefully we don't have a repeat of that in the kitchen. Gross.

I have been working on a huge stack of un-paper towels and cloth napkins for the grand opening of our congo. I feel like I have a lot of work, but not enough stuff to put on there. I messed up on a set, so I kept them for the family, and made a matching hanging linen pail that hangs on the oven door for dirty cloth. I didn't even need to explain how to use the system. I woke up this morning, and everything was already being used and disposed of in the bag. Yesssss.

I also feel like I haven't been playing with/teaching Hayden as much as I should because of all the work I am doing at home. I try to keep everything until the evening when he goes to bed, but I have a hard time just sitting there and playing or watching shows with him when I know he plays so well by himself and I could be getting things done. Luckily, I work on the kitchen table for now, and he can come up to me and bring/show me things as he pleases and comes up randomly for 'mama loves' as I call them. There is a pile sitting here on the table of random things he has brought me. A stack of Dr. Suess books that I read, a computer mouse, Season 1 of Grey's Anatomy, His felt sushi, a car, a play drill, and a Yo Gabba Gabba character.

I have separation issues when he sleeps. Even though I would love to use that time to get things done. When he's down for a nap, or in bed, I feel weird. I miss him and need him running around and playing.

I have HORRIBLE AF cramps. It's causing all kinds of wonderful lower intestinal uproar this morning.

We visited Andrew's parent's the other day, and they asked why he never has shoes on. Well, he's inside at home pretty much everyday, so I don't see why he needs to wear shoes. He's always barefoot, in socks, or in slippers (although we misplaced one.) She asked about the shoes that she got him for Christmas, and I told her that they didn't fit. So we gave them back yesterday, and she exchanged them and picked up a couple more pairs and some socks haha. It's not like he is deprived. We a pair that he wears when we go out places other than families house. I don't see the need to buy him 3 or 4 pairs because of the rate that his feet grow. They are wide and chunky. Like blocks. Poor kid. Poor us. Hopefully his feet keep a steady pace for the next 17 years until they stop growing.

I just took the carseats out of my dad and Andrew's car and checked the height/weight requirements again and made sure everything was good. I wish I could get my mom to rear face Caelin.

Hay is up.

home birth.

I just read the most absolutely amazing article on home birth. I can't wait to make my birth mine. To not have to be scared, confined, to eat when I want, to move when I want, to embrace every part of birth. It sounds so amazing. I hope my friend Alex get's to experience it. Her husband is very very against it. It's causing huge fights. They are TTC right now and it's a huge issue. I'm glad Andrew is on board with it for our next baby.

fees

Oh, I also called Sprint to downgrade my plan since I only use about 40 of the 450 minutes I get every month, and I wanted to take off the data plan to save some money after doing our family budget, and they informed me that because I have a blackberry, I can't downgrade because it's a smartphone and I HAVE to have the data plan. I understood that, but I didn't understand them not being able to downgrade my minutes. I also complained about a new $5 charge on my account that after some time discussing, they told me was a new 'Spending limit balance FEE' that is now added to every account that has a spending limit balance as of 1/1/2010. I never agreed to those terms when I signed my contract, so the lady told me if I wanted to close my account, I could, and she would waive the $180 early termination fee. So I just went ahead and did that since I was spending $90 a month just by myself. So Andrew and I decided to put me on his account, and find a used Iphone on Ebay or something and just share his minutes (along with some crazy amount of rollover minutes) and get the data plan, but no texting, and use one of the many SMS apps or Ichat for texting. Hopefully I get it soon because not having a phone feels totally weird to me.

bitter

I was a little irrational the other day. Andrew was up for that promotion, and he didn't get it. His friend Aaron got it. I'm pretty pissed because 1.) Aaron has called off of work to go see a movie premiere vs. Andrew who not only has never called off and never been late, but he also covers everyone's shifts who call off. 2.) The Manager who hired him, "hangs out" with him after work. My dad came home the other night and told me they were all hanging out at someone's house and then the manager showed up and hung out. I was really mad that Aaron was in the same room as the manager and I couldn't help but think that that would influence her decision on the promotion. 3.) Andrew started the same time as Aaron and is just as qualified as he is, if not more. I think there is some good ol' fashioned politics going on there. It's cool that the manager hangs out with the employees, but we are being directly affected by the fraternizing it makes me very very angry.

I know it's not Aaron's fault, but I decided I didn't want him on my friend's list on facebook. Especially when I see pictures of him 'celebrating' his promotion. I also don't want him over at our house any time soon either. I know I'm being ridiculous, but after Andrew being up for 4 promotions so far, and turned down for all of them, It burns.

Alex and Callie came over yesterday and we talked about setting up our Congo. We are going to have 7 people total in the shop. Everyone selling different things. I'm excited. It's supposed to draw more traffic. I also had a photo session with Callie. She was so cute, played with the doggie the whole time.

Poor Hayden is banging on our bedroom door asking for 'dada,' but he's at work :(

I'm counting down the hours until nap time. I'm so exhausted from Hayden getting up at 7 and only getting 4 hours of sleep.

happenings

Now I remember why I don't watch the news anymore. Tonight after hearing about gas prices sky rocketing, another earthquake in California, someone hitting two little girls crossing the street and then driving away, and airlines upping their prices for baggage check again, it made me fell depressed. Seriously.. I thought things might get better in the world, but I guess not just yet. I'll forgo the news once again.

On a lighter note, my husband is bringing my Sonic. I have never had it before because the closest one is in Los Angeles. AF is coming, so I intense cravings for a cheeseburger and the tater tots and Cherry Limeade is an added bonus! He works again tomorrow, and then on Thursday, I'm going to drop him off at work and head to San Diego to meet a fellow July 2008 Firecracker and their mommy at the Children's Museum. It looks like Hayden will really like it. I can't wait to take a million pictures. I love San Diego. It's about an hour and 10 minutes away but it will be worth it and it's not too expensive so that's always a plus.

I feel really bad, my best friend invited Andrew and I to Pechanga to stay at the Hotel for the night for her birthday and play some slots and go to dinner. Originally, it was supposed to be wine tasting on a party bus, but I was going to tell her we would have to pass on that because it would cost us about $160 just for the tastings, and then dinner on top of that. Now I have to tell her we can't afford this either. It will cost us about the same amount. $106 for the room and then dinner and drinks and maybe a few games. I fell really bad because I really wanted to go and she's my best friend, but we don't make the same kind of money that her and her husband do. Maybe for Andrew's birthday in May, we will have saved up enough to do something like that extra.

night night

Andrew works until 10 tonight. :/ I miss him.

I have been dragging all day. I'm tired. I did too much last night and this morning. I need to stop cleaning. I organized all of the business receipts and paperwork and health/personal stuff into an accordion file today. I'm trying to organize/declutter something everyday. My mom is building me two desks back to back in our hallway. One for sewing, and one for soaps and candles. Right now, there two wall insets where the washer and dryer used to be facing each other. I have to say though, I'm very glad they moved it before we moved in because I do at least 3 loads of laundry a day and it's right next to Hayden's room. He would never take naps.

Twice today, I gave Hayden a bottle at nap time and the first time he drank a few sips and put it down, and the other one he didn't even want to have anything to do with it.

He took one just now before bed though.