I love my son.

I just thought I would dedicate a blog to myself and Andrew and our parenting. I'm really proud of us. I have been watching my friends babies a lot lately, and I'm not saying my kid is perfect by any means, but he is so much more well behaved. Of course he throws fits and screams and pushes things away if he doesn't want it, but I believe that's normal. It's a phase because he doesn't know how to express himself verbally yet so that's how he does. I just noticed how smart he is and I think it's because of us working with him. When music comes on, he dances, he tries to mimic words, and says Momma when he's tired or upset, Dada pretty much all day, he is walking when he wants to, but he knows right now, he can get somewhere faster by crawling, so he doesn't as much. He claps his hands, does the sign for 'eat' and 'more.' He plays by himself really well. When he's tired, he looks around for his pacifier and blanket, and cuddles up. It's like he knows what he wants and goes for it. I'm happy with that. Andrew's mom had told me that she taught her boys not to know about pain, or know where it's coming from and not to be emotional or attached. She was bragging about this like it's good parenting?? No.. so now, as an adult, andrew has problems expressing himself and being emotional. He's gotten a lot better, but he still has learning to do. I want hayden to be able to tell me exactly what's wrong and how he's feeling. Andrew agrees with that. He doesn't like the way his mom raised him as an 'employee' instead of a son. I don't think she has a maternal bone in her body. I'm the opposite. Hayden is going to grow up to be such a smart and loving boy. I'm also really happy with his immune system. He has only gotten sick with a cold once, and thrush once. I really have faith that it's because of the delayed vaccinations. He has only had the DTAP and HIB once each. He never gets fevers, he hasn't had an ear infection, and he's just a healthy boy. I think it's because we didn't bombard his immune system with today's vaccination schedule. Whatever it is, genetics, lack of vaccines, home made babyfood. He's just so special to me, and Im proud to have him as my son. He is truly a blessing.

Tomorrow I am losing my car.
I have no job, and NOBODY is hiring. Andrew is getting a job at Arby's because we are so desperate. I'm so screwed.
Next, we won't have an apartment to live in if I can't pay my share of the rent...

shit hitting fans and falling on me..

ANGRY
ANGRY
ANGRY
FRUSTRATED
SICK
TIRED
ANGRY.

I need to seriously vent. First of all, I'm annoyed that Andrew and I are sharing a computer now, and he is too lazy to go use the one in our bedroom that has an unnecessarily huge display screen and was custom loaded for him at Apple from his parents. Why does he need to use the laptop and now I have to re-do all of my login stuff.

Next, the dog. Macbeth has been the best dog since we got her. She has always been good since we potty trained her, but now it's gotten out of hand. She is going in the house whenever she wants to (usually the babies room) and I'm not sure if it's jealousy and territory issues or what. She's a female, not a male, so she shouldn't be marking her territory. Her hair is shedding everywhere (which I realize is not her fault) and I have to vaccum like 5 times a day just so we don't have hair all over our kitchen. The other day, she pooped in our bed. Right next to my head. And then walked away. I wanted to KILL her. My dad's apartment carpet is one huge pee pee pad. His dog and cat just goes all over. I'm not letting that happen. That's the reason I moved out, and I'm sick of smelling pee everywhere I walk because of Macbeth's newfound obsession.

Next, Andrew and his smoking. I haven't kissed him in 3 days and he could care less. He says it's his last pack, but he has become a full on smoker now. If I find out he buys another pack, there will be extreme consequences.

And last but not least..his mother and father...
She controls his finances while he's in school. That means, she monitors his account and has nothing better to do with her time but make sure he is not buying anything from anywhere he shouldn't, or spending money somewhere he shouldn't. It's quite annoying for him and I. Well, we have our online Amazon.com business, and have been selling our things on ebay. The money we make has been going onto his paypal card, or his secret bank account at Chase. I don't have a bank account that I can use because mine is negative. We have been using the money to pay off bills and but various things that we need, and god forbid I got a haircut the other day for the first time in I don't even know how long. He also took out credit cards because his credit was spotless. He had three. A best buy one that never got used, a Best Buy visa that he used to buy himself a laptop that he wanted, and a Target card. All are maxed out, but we have been paying them monthly. Well, his mom found out that we (or he) didn't tell her about that, and flipped out. She said we had to give her back both cars, she isn't paying for the apartment anymore, and she isn't paying for school anymore. She didn't care where we lived, on the streets, at my mom, whatever, but she didn't want to have anything to do with us anymore. All because he went behind her back (which he technically can do since it's HIS credit and he is an ADULT.) and opened credit cards. She was being totally irrational. It wasn't going to hurt her, so what is her deal. Then, she tries to call me and tell me what was going on. Hello..I already knew. She must think andrew and I don't talk?? I was standing right next to him and I knew everything that was going on and everything she had said to him. Then she has the fucking nerve to say to me 'You aren't going to be able to afford to take care of Hayden, so he can come live with me, and I will pay someone to watch him, and Andrew can come live with me, but you cannot live with us' HER EXACT WORDS. That pissed me off so bad, I hung up on her. HOW DARE her tell me I can't afford to take care of my son, and HOW DARE her even think for a second that I would let him leave my side to go live without me. She also thinks that my mom wouldn't let us go live there?? ridiculous. So right now, I'm on strike from talking to her. I will give her money for the car insurance and payment at the end of the month. I'm not working for her doing data entry at her house right now. Especially since Hayden is sick. I don't want to see her or talk to her. She offended me. She can be a bitch all she wants. So Andrew goes to her house to 'talk' things out with her. Explained everything, showed her all the bills, and FUCKING GAVE HER ALL THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION for our Paypal account and everything. Now, she said we can't spend any money on anything. So me selling my computer, and all my scrapbook stuff, I don't get the money??? bullshit. I'm angry. I'm taking the money anyways. And so those were her new conditions. Any time we spend any money we have to give her receipts for everything so she knows what it's on. Then, she tells andrew that he can't go anywhere besides school and home. No friends house. That's bullshit. He NEEDS that escape. Even with as much as I complain about him going, her telling her grown son he can't have a life outside of his responsibilities really pisses me off. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of moving out to live with my mom, giving up everything I have that she has access to, I won't have my cellphone, a computer, or a car. Those things are important to me, but not as important as my freedom. I can sell my TV, My desk, and whatever else I have at a garage sale to get some extra money I guess.. but Idk if it's worth giving up my relationship with Andrew.

sick babies

Night number 2 of Hayden being sick. As much as I never wanted to give hayden any medicines for cold, especially this young, I did tonight after I read it on Dr. Bob Sears website. I gave him some benadryl. So far, he doesn't seem like drugged out of weird from it. I put him to bed and he still fought falling asleep. Andrew is taking the first night shift.

Haven't been posting as much because things have been pretty good. Andrew is off of school for 3 weeks and you can see his stress level decreased big time. We sold our old computers and some books and stuff on amazon and Ebay and we are paying our bills with the money. Probably another reason things have been better. Tomorrow is fathersday and I have no idea what to get andrew. We share money now, so I know he will know. Sighhhhhhhh. I hope I think of something by the end of the day!

themed.

Mexico my friend??

I'm laying awake in bed thinking of ways to kidnap the neighbors chiuahua and send it to Mexico. It's so loud, I can hear it over the baby monitor...


-- Post From My iPhone

Famerrly

Tonight was nice. I think I finally got rid of the overbearing clingy date that I had last night. He wanted to call me every night and gets upset when I don't text him back right away. I told him I can't sit on my phone all day so I don't know what his deal is. Omg the neighbors dog is barking all night again. They must like never be home from Thursday through Sunday and stick him outside.
Tonight was nice. I went to my moms, Ming and my dad came over. We had steak and berry cobbler. Mmmmm. Now I'm exhausted. Nigh night






-- Post From My iPhone

Defeat? I think not

I'm going to be a mess for the next few weeks until medi-cal and unemployment kicks in. Life is trying to defeat me. :( I HATE asking family for help.



-- Post From My iPhone

Fmds

No FML
FMDS (fuck my digestive system)

-- Post From My iPhone

Sleep? Where art thou?

Sigggh. Sleep please find me. That was haydens towel hair after a bath today. LOL


-- Post From My iPhone

clover

This is really pretty. Like, I don't wear jewelry usually because nothing is pretty or special enough for me to wear. This is different. I also liked the celtic mother's knot in sterling silver. I think I'll need to buy that for myself for christmas.



I was looking at a website and I saw that advertized on the side.

patches

I shouldn't stay. But I can't get myself to go. It's not fair to either of us that we continue on how we are. For the past few months I have been constantly weighing the pros and cons of our relationship while doing daily tasks such as laundry, and baking cupcakes. Waiting for some kind of sign pointing to the right decision. I guess I have been thinking that whatever sign it is that comes to me, will be easy. Or at least it will be easier than the latter. Im not sure if it's connected, but I can't sleep, my stomach is killing me, and I have had horrible anxiety. Tonight, as I was making cupcakes at midnight, I realized something. Nobody should have this many doubts in their relationship. Nobody should be thinking THIS much negativity. I know there are ups and downs in every pair of people, but this is different.

There used to be a time where I always talked highly of him. I bragged about him (I know..rude of me,) every chance I could I would bring his name up in conversations, and I smiled when I received texts or phone calls from him. Now I badmouth him even though I know I shouldn't. I compare things to him all the time still, and he's never the winning party. I was IN love.
I'm not sure that I am anymore. Now I can't even stand the sound of him getting something to eat in the kitchen. I can hear him chewing from the other room. I want to yell at him. I don't like the person that I have become because of him.

With the whole pregnancy scare, I of course didn't have to ask how he would feel if I had been pregnant. I already know. He never hesitated to let me know how fucked up his life would be and how 'big' his problems are when I was pregnant with Hayden. I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt though. He never has talked like that SINCE he was born. Just during the pregnancy. He said something today that I felt was true. I told him if I was pregnant again, even though it had taken both of us to get in that position. He could leave me if he wanted. He thought about it for a bit and then said that the only way he WOULDNT leave me is if I had a girl. After going off on him, he said 'you're so gullible.' I know he wasn't lying. I could feel it.

I want it to work. I wish this was just a 'rough patch.' I don't think it is though.

Smile like you mean it

My dog is on her period, I'm antsy and need something but can't figure out what it is, and I can NOT stop smiling. I have two good friends that are great. Too bad they are over an hour away and it's hard for me to make it out there to see them.
I'm going to try Friday night though